setraline

as he watched, helpless
her mind splintered
on the rocks of insanity
leaving behind
the shattered hull
of a once beautiful woman
sentenced to life
behind bars
of frustration and despair
a prison occupied
by those once calm
caught in the rapids of rage
thrown into a watery limbo
where meds no longer deliver
on the promise
of peace in her mind
where demons
having conquered science
use her cerebral cortex
for target practice
laughing maniacally
while shredding her soul
into bits of cosmic confetti

pocketful of dust

my pocketful of dreams
has become a pocketful of dust
so many tears have fallen
my heart has begun to rust
the rainbow I once followed
is now many shades of gray
the sun no longer fills my sky
darkness smothered the light of day
the childlike faith I once embraced
fell before a pack of lies
my soul weighed down by bitterness
never found a chance to fly
time once my trusted friend
has worn away the edge of hope
the walls I built against the world
allow my mind to cope
with all the pain and sorrow
along this path of twisted love
where all about lies the wreckage
of the life I once dreamed of

Momdate April 19th

Two weeks ago she underwent another PET scan to determine the current status of her bone cancer. She has been sleeping a lot of late, very little appetite and quite a bit of pain in her hip. While the primary reason for the scan was for ensuring that the cancer had not spread beyond the bone, the doctor was also concerned about the pain.

Now call me crazy or just a bit insane but it has always been my understanding that once a test has been run, especially one has important has a PET scan, that the doctor would discuss the results with the patient ASAP. Of course I could be wrong and apparently in this case I am.

Just has she has in the past after her monthly injections she went to the doctor for the results. Rather than sitting her down with said oncologist the nurse handed her a print out of her results and offhandedly mentioned that they looked pretty good. Upon inquiring mom found out that she would not be seeing the doctor again until May.

As coincidence would have it she ran in to her doctor in the hallway as she left the clinic. The “great man” managed to stop for all of thirty seconds, obviously more important patients or his golf clubs awaited. He gave mom one of those condescending superior smiles and managed a complete sentence before disappearing down the hallway. In short, he said her scan looked pretty good and that they would discuss it in more detail during her next appointment.

Pretty good I am sure has many definitions depending on who is using the phrase and in what context. One would hope that on average an oncologist would be able to even in passing provide a brief but somewhat clearer diagnosis than pretty good.

Apparently, at least according to “dr. god” pretty good is defined in the following context. The bone cancer showed slight improvement in the lower back where the radiation treatment was targeted. However, her hip shows an increase in the amount of cancer cells and has deteriorated since the previous scan. The cancer does not appear to have spread beyond the bone. Oh, and for some reason the heart muscle has become inflamed.

I would hate to hear what “dr. god” would have to say if someone was doing just okay. From the sounds of his pretty good the patient who was okay would be in ICU or something.

Despite the stress of the situation mom is taking it pretty well. Rather than worry herself sick she took a few proactive steps. She has appointments to see both the oncologist and the cardiologist the first week of May.

Before that though she will be spending a few days in Hawaii with my brother, his two daughters and his granddaughter. Taking some much needed R&R before doing battle once again with the arrogant jackass who calls himself a doctor.

bitter

bitter
alone
no comfort
no love
only emptiness
inside and out
wanting a friend
reaching out
burned again
broken heart
again, again
embrace the pain
no one left
only me
to sit and wonder
what should have been
what could have been
what never was

ocean dreams

november clouds
fill the sky
my soul is torn
from all the lies
yet i search
for forgotten truths
misplaced once
upon my youth
hope once faded
heart unloved
tears fall
from the cross above
thoughts of death
life misspent
forever young
wrapped in discontent
a rebel prowls
the night alone
lost in thought
birthday songs
fade to black
what went wrong
shadowed peace
summer love
unhealed wounds
one red dove
on the shore
lost in time
so much more
i feel protected
safe and sane
in the sand
i will pray
for lost comfort
peace of mind
a bit of happiness
for one to find

endings

foxholes
olive branches
guns
a dove
peace
war
love
hate
why
violence
friendship
pen
sword
flowers
bombs
man
machines
life
death
we
create
we
destroy
bringing
extinction
down
to earth

dental cattle call

walking into the waiting area was not conductive to remaining stress and panic free. in a space designed for ten to fifteen adults was at least double that number along with assorted children. voices blended into a dull rumble, which brought to mind the sound of a freight train on a long lonesome journey.

turning and running was the first thought that came to mind. a thought though that could not be reflected in action. with the abscess in my mouth continuing to provide discomfort and annoyance leaving was not an option.

the assorted masses were gathered for the same purpose, a consultation with the dental surgery department. the primary focus of which was the dental care of difficult children who were either afraid or unable to for some other reason sit through a dental appointment. which made me probably the oldest actual patient in the room. no stickers awaited me when the visit was complete.

the check in line had all the glamour of a cattle shoot on a dairy farm. leading us down a dark corridor in order to be milked. it took great amounts of self-control to suppress the moo within that was anxious to be heard.

finally, the front of the line was reached and paper work was collected to be filled out. as a veteran patient of the medical provider system completing the forms for me had been reduced to a science. fill out the required boxes. no pregnancy is not currently a condition my body is experiencing. attach list of current meds. attach list of current medical professionals contemplating all or part of my medical history. return paperwork to front desk and find a corner in which to hide from the masses there by preventing the onset of a panic attack. settle in for long wait.

surprises apparently still happen in the medical world. before the first page of my current book had been read my name was already being butchered. my escort/dental type person escorted me to a consultation where my medical history was reviewed. beginning with why an older person is in need of dental surgery versus daily run of the mill dental work.

once my various health conditions were discussed and a review of my meds and doctors was conducted the dental type person seemed to grasp why the dentist type person of last week had referred me to this particular university hospital.

as is always the case in these not to complicated situations it appears that nothing can be decided without the input of some unnamed committee. dental type person informed me that no decision would be made today. my current doctors would need to be contacted and a joint decision made on how to approach my dental care. if for some unexplained reason they were unable to help me assurances were given that a referral to someone who could help would be passed along.

all in all another annoying and frustrating day on the medical treadmill. it would be a pleasant surprise if just once my medical conditions would follow the path of least resistance.