Jaybird

Jaybird as his closest friends called him was introduced to me as my stepfather, however long before his passing he had simply become my dad. I am visiting my mom this weekend and we were going through some old papers and I came across the two pieces I wrote for his funeral. He passed away twenty-four years ago on June 8, 1987

In the beginning
He was that man
My new father
Who I couldn't understand
He seemed distant
And far away
Sometimes I wished
He would not stay

But as the years went by
I came to understand
Who he was
What kind of man
He was strong
He was proud
He always stood
And spoke out loud
He loved people
In return they loved him
Where ever he traveled
He made friends
He loved to laugh
He loved to dance
With him my mom
Found love and romance
He loved his children
And their kids
He was always brave
Until the end

Through him
I became a man
Now I think
I understand
The laughter and joy
The pain and the sorrow
That we live with today
And can expect tomorrow
I learned to live
Life to the fullest
Though I feel
I can say it best
I loved my dad
He was the best

He was born Jay Ray Hunter on May 23, 1927 in Amarillo, Texas. Jay graduated high school in 1944 and enlisted in the US Navy. He was stationed in the South Pacific where he served through the end of World War II.

Upon his return from the Navy he attended college at West Texas State University. When he left college he worked nine years for the US Postal Service in Amarillo.

He moved to Arcadia, California in the mid 50's where he remained. He worked for Purcell Auto Supply for more than twenty years as a salesman. He was a member of the Arcadia Elks Lodge for more than twenty-years. He also worked for the lodge as a bartender and managed the bar for ten years.

Jay was a devoted family man and a loving husband. He raised three children of his own and then in his mid 40's he remarried and raised his three step-children as his own.

Jay was a man who had many diverse interests. He loved his family and he enjoyed the comradary of his many friends. He loved to travel anytime, anywhere. His favorite pastimes included horse racing, watching football and many other sports both on TV and in person.

Jay had a biting wit and a sarcastic sense of humor. He had a zest for life that touched everyone he came in contact with, friend and stranger alike.

Jay's motto was: "Live life to the fullest and leave behind a beautiful memory."

Song of the Soul

She sits on the rocks above the river. Jet boats and water skiers dance across the current. The hot desert sun slowly roasts the back of her neck. Mosquito dive bombers attack her ankles and bare arms leaving small craters in her skin.

None of these worldly distractions can bring her back from her spiritual quest.

She has spent years searching the highways and byways of many lands for answers to questions she has yet to pose. From the mountains of Tibet to the Ganges river in India. From St. Peter's in Rome to the mosques and temples of the Middle East. From Stonehenge in the land of the Celts to Machu Pichu in the Americas. Each holy shrine she visited seemed to have a small piece of the puzzle. It was as if some ancient race of giants had upended a box of spiritual clues and scattered them to the wind. Lately, however it seemed like the more pieces she collected the more difficult the puzzle had become.

Her journey had at last come full circle and she had returned to her own beginnings. She had always found solace here beside the mighty Colorado. Her first baby steps of her spiritual life had taken place not to far from where she now sat. When a Shaman from a local indian tribe found her meditating beside the river, he had taken her under his wing and planted the seeds that had led to her quest.

His most precious gift had come forth when he taught her how to silence her mind and body and allow the song of her soul to be heard. In doing so she had not only improved her listening skills but had begun the first steps on the long road of meditation. Over the years as her ability to meditate improved the oung of her soul had becomer clearer.

So here she sat attuned to the universe her only desire one of spiritual truth.

In the suns embrace she grew relaxed and in the caress of the river's song she felt cleansed. Her mind withdrew from the here and now and at long last she released her soul to dance with the winds.

Soaring above the clouds she spotted Brother Eagle. She explained to him the purpose of her journey and she asked him if he knew how to recreate the puzzle. He appeared to have an answer but before he could share it he spotted dinner and set off in pursuit of an unsuspecting field mouse.

On the horizon she spotted Brother Wolf and she joined him on the ground. She explained to him the purpose of her journey and asked him if he knew the puzzles solultion. However just as he was about to answer the moon began to rise and he had to join the pack for a group howl.

Soaring again in the twilight sky she spotted Sister Owl just awakening from her days sleep. She explained to her the purspose of her quest and asked if she knew the origin of the puzzle. Sister Owl was sympathetic to her plight but the cries of her hungry owlettes prevented her from providing assistance.

Below her she spotted Sister Coyote pause at the riverbank for a drink of water. She explained to her the quest she had undertook and asked if she had any insight she could share concerning her spiritual puzzle. Sister Coyote though wise appeared to be uninterested in her plight and soon left her behind in her chase of a nocturnal rabbit.

Taking flight she became aware of a glow coming from the cliffside of a nearby mountain. She followed the light and soon found her self in the presence of her friend the shaman. For a moment she paused unsure of her next move. She had received the news on her journey that the shaman had passed away but here he was. Setting aside her fear she joined her friend on the cliff face.

Before she could begin the shaman smiled at her with his wise old eyes glowing and began to speak.

My daughter for one who has put before herself such a great task, you are much to impatient. The spiritual unity of this planet was broken while the earth was still young. You have accomplished much by finding the roots of the various religions. However your quest has just begun. In order to reassemble the pieces one must have the help of many enlightened souls. This is a task you cannot complete on your own. Before you can recreate what once was one must assist other in relearning their own soul songs. When the time is right your sould will guide you to me once again and I will aide you in the first steps of spiritual recreation. Go with love my daughter.

She came back to herself on the rock beside the river. The evening sky was filled with a billion stars and the moon was smiling down at her. For a moment she contemplated giving up her quest and just laying beneath the stars for an eternity and a half. But soon enough she returned her backpack to her shoulders and continued her journey.

Merry-Go-Round Revisited

Many grains of sand passed through the hourglass before he returned to Oak Hill Park. The summers of his youth had been spent in the playground and the pools that made Oak Hill Park such a great place to grow up.

As her walked through the park his memory appeared to be playing tricks on him. The pool was smaller than he remembered. The high dive was shorter. The tennis courts were not as grand. Even the statue that had represented the first settlers in this valley had been taken away. Worst of all, the playground no longer resembled the playground of his youth. Gone were the rocket ship and the merry-go-round replaced by the new wave of "kid friendly" toys, odd shaped bars with small slides and rings with padding covering everything. Even the height of the swings had been reduced, no longer could the boys and girls soar high into the sky pretending to be astronauts and fighter pilots. These new fangled swings have no lift what so ever.

He circled the playground, dismayed at the changes that time had inflicted upon his favorite hang out. Realistically he knew that nothing lasted forever, but recently he had found that many places he remembered from his youth either no longer existed or had changed almost beyond recognition. Wandering through the haunts of his youth was beginning to make him feel old.

Eventually he found himself laying back on the grass and watching the clouds chase each other across the sky. In his minds eye he could still see the rocket ship and his ten-year-old self sitting on the top level reading a worn copy of "Treasure Island". So many years had passed since then, so much water under the bridge. With a sigh he turned towards the bare sand where the merry-go-round used to sit. He remembered spinning for hours watching the leaves passing over head in a blur until dizziness forced him to bail out. He would collapse in the sand, turn on to his back and it was as if he could feel the entire world spinning beneath him.

His thoughts turned to that innocent ten-year-old that he had once been. If right here, right now the stars came into some weird type of cosmic alignment that somehow allowed me to communicate with him what would I say. What nuggets of hard earned wisdom would I share with the past? A very interesting question indeed.

He lay there in the grass and allowed his thoughts to follow the slippery slopes of Mount What If. So much has happened since I was that innocent child. Some of it great, some of it good and of course some of it bad.

Well he thought, I would most definitely tell him to avoid Interstate 70 on March 2, 2001, no reason we shouldn't avoid that accident if we can. I would tell him to hang out at home longer. To give himself enough time to get his act together before fleeing the family nest. I would definitely advise making better choices in room mates and avoiding the whole small claims route. And of course I would let him know that he could save himself a lot of embarrassment by not asking Lisa Ryan to the prom in front of the entire world and being shot down.

Hmm what else is worth passing along he wondered. What should I tell him about the marriage and the divorce? What could I tell him about being a father? I definitely should remind him to spend enough time with his parents and grand parents before time and age take them away. Should I mention career choices and financial lessons?

The more he pondered this scenario the more he realized that in reality he would not pass on any of his original ideas to his past self. If it were possible to pass information back in time it would be simple to warn himself about all of the mistakes he/they had made. It would be simple but it would not be right.

No if I could pass along a message to the past it would be simply to remind my former self to take the time to stop and smell the roses. Each event he/they had lived through were lessons that had been learned. Change the event and just maybe the lesson would be lost and a chance would be wasted. Forget the marriage and lose the joy of the kids. Forget the great prom question and lose the courage to approach someone you would like to know better. No, in reality he would if he could pass along a one word message: ENJOY.

As he turned his back on the playground and walked away he could almost hear the squeaks of the merry-go-round and the joyous laughter of yesterday's children.

Quest

AJ and I met during our freshman year at MHS. We were in the same study hall and our friendship developed through out that first semester. AJ came from a hunting and camping family. He could play guitar and wrote some of his own material. My background was citified with no musical talent what so ever. Our common ground was founded on a love of good books and the joy of a good debate. During lunch hour and after school we would spend hours in friendly arguments that ranged from politics to the environment to finally religion.

AJ it turns out was an atheist. In my short life he was the first person I had met who professed a disbelief in the existence of God. As for myself I was born and raised in the Catholic church. Upon reaching high school I had begun to question some of the tenants of my religion I never questioned the existence of God. Rather than driving a wedge into our newfound friendship our different religious backgrounds allowed us to have many spirited but friendly debates on the subject.

AJ was by his own description somewhat of a Darwinist. He believed in evolution and natural selection. He professed that the only explanation for the existence of the universe was the big bang. His favorite subjects were all scientific in nature. Upon graduation he planned to go on to college and study medicine with the intention of becoming a doctor.

However as often happens on the road of life, the best-laid plans have a way of swerving off course into entirely new directions. For AJ the slow approach of change began in our senior year.

For most of high school AJ had been an all books no nonsense type of guy. His focus had prevented him from becoming seriously involved in any social activities including dating. That was before he met Teri.

AJ and Teri found themselves in the same class first semester of our senior year. They began spending time together at school. Studying in the library, eating lunch under one of the oak trees and saving seats for each other before school events. AJ was smitten and it appeared that love would soon be blooming. That was before fate played its trump card.

Prom season was just around the corner and AJ planned on attending and asking Teri to be his date. One obstacle remained for the hopefully so to be happy couple. Through out the many hours of conversation during our senior year they never once discussed religion. When AJ finally asked Teri to the prom that proved to be the topic that would make our break their relationship.

Teri has it turned out was a Jehovah's Witness and regardless of her personal feelings her parents would not allow her to date outside of her religion. She explained that the prom was to soon for him to be accepted. But if he began to come to church with her they would eventually be able to date.

AJ had always been sure of his beliefs when it came to God. He was also an honest and trustworthy person who would never deceive someone just to go out on a date. So I was sure that her ultimatum would be the end of them. I was wrong. AJ explained to her that he had never believed in God but that he would keep an open mind and attend church with her. True to his word he began attending church, going to bible study and spending time with her family. AJ and Teri eventually began dating and all was right with the world. Their relationship lasted for several months but as often happens with young love they eventually grew apart and went their separate ways.

Surprisingly though his time spent attending Teri's church had not been wasted. AJ developed a spiritual thirst and without conscious thought set out on a personal spiritual quest.

Several months after AJ and Teri broke up he met Samantha. They began dating and he began attending church with her and her family. Sam and her family were Mormon's and they welcomed AJ with open arms. Sam and AJ went to youth group activities together. They studied the Bible and the Book of Mormon. But AJ had just begun his quest and he was not finding all the answers that he thirsted for. Eventually Sam moved on and so did AJ.

Sean who was a mutual friend of ours was Roman Catholic like myself. However while my family had kept their relationship with the church strictly in the pews Sean's family was involved in all aspects of the church. They began inviting AJ to bible studies and to their parish for Sunday mass. Sean and I had begun attending mass with a youth group at our college and AJ was soon tagging along.

After several months of being ministered to AJ with his newly discovered belief in God decided to commit to the Catholic Church and was baptized. Sean's mother and father were his godparent and no one appeared to be happier about this than AJ himself.

However, AJ had not quite reached the end of his journey on the road less traveled. There were still a few surprises in store for our former atheist.

During this period of religious growth AJ was attending the university working towards becoming a doctor. His grades were good and upon graduation he was planning on going to medical school. That was before he met Mary.

With Mary and AJ it was love at first sight. She lived next door to his mother's house and they began spending time together. Mary belonged to a Non-Denominational Christian church and AJ began attending with her whenever he spent the weekend with his mom. Slowly but surely his beliefs once again began to evolve. While his newfound belief in God was solid his roots in the Catholic Church were young and questioning. He began to find himself more at home in Mary's church than his own and soon he became a full time member.

Not to long after AJ joined Mary's church he gave me a call. We met for dinner and had one of our usual debate filled conversations. Before long we slipped into a discussion about religion and the role it had played in our friendship and most importantly in his life. ThatÂ’s when he dropped not one but two bombshells on me. Bombshell number one was that he had asked Mary to be his wife and she had accepted. Bombshell number two was that after much though and prayer he was abandoning his dream of becoming a doctor and going to the seminary to become a minister. After I picked myself off of the floor I congratulated him on his good fortune in finding someone like Mary to share his life with and I told him that I believed he would be a great minister because he had traveled a long and varied road to reach this point in time. And that the experience he had lived through would only increase the empathy he would have for his flock.

That was twenty some odd years ago. AJ is the pastor of a fairly large church in the Midwest. He and Mary are still married and they have four children two of their own and two adopted. To listen to the man today you would never know that once upon a time he was a fourteen-year-old boy who professed to be an atheist. Life is nothing if not full of surprises.

Tears

He walked up the hill, hugging the side of the road. No sidewalks had been grown in this part of town and with all the blind curves one never knew what a car might do. Especially at twilight when the old pines create shadows that can confuse the senses of the commuters making their daily trek home.

He felt a certain serenity come over his soul as the road turned and he caught site of "his" wall. After all these years it still looked the same. Rocks with character had been pulled from a nearby streambed and cemented together to form the northern boundary of someone's property.

As a teenager this wall had been his place of refuge. Perched atop it he could see the valley below a patchwork quilt that stretched for miles. As the sunset he would hold his breath in anticipation of the dazzling display of city lights that would seem to miraculously appear before him.

It was here that he came to cry when he experienced his first broken heart. Probably the second and third one to if he was honest with himself. When the pressure at home became too much this is where he would hide. Silently cursing parents and siblings alike. Wanting the freedom that came with age but longing to hide once more in his mother's arms while she assured him that there were no monsters under his bed.

And now it was to this wall that he had returned. To find himself somewhere amongst all of the stereotypes he had become. He could not even be sure that his old self was still there buried in a pile of childish memories that had been discarded when adulthood called. He had learned his life's lessons so well. Lately he had begun to feel like one of those false fronts they have at all of the movie studios. From the front they appear to be real buildings but look inside and there is nothing to be found just empty space. That is what his heart and soul had become empty space.

Sitting here on the wall he could almost sense the presence of a specter from his past. His younger self who was not afraid of tears, who could cry while reading a book, or watching a movie or just because he felt like it. The one who wrote poetry and dreamt of fatherhood. The one who still believed in love and happily ever after. If only his younger self could see what they had become. So important, so successful, a life filled with material goods. Yet it was a life that now more than ever was filled with emptiness.

He could not remember the last time he had shed a tear. Or the last time he had read a good book. He thought of movies like "Old Yeller", how he had cried and cried when they had to put Yeller down. What happened to that child of emotion? Where had he gone? Why had he let him go? Good questions all but he had no answers.

Sighing he turned and began his lonely walk down the hill. Listening to the crickets sing and owls begin their nightly sojourn. Out of the darkness he heard the squeal of breaks and than he saw the lights of a car as it came around the corner. He stepped onto someone's driveway to so the driver would have plenty of room. Once the car passed he continued around the corner and stopped. There by the side of the road lay a squirrel that must have just been hit because as he watched the squirrel shuttered as it took its last breath.

He just stood there staring at the poor thing. He removed his t-shirt and used it to gently wrap the squirrels broken body. As he cradle the creature his eyes filled with tears and he began to cry. His shoulders shook with emotion and his breath came in great sobs.

He continued down the hill until he came to a vacant lot. He found an old bucket and began to dig a grave. All the while his tears fell turn the dry dust into mud. When he was finished he gently laid the squirrel in the hole still wrapped in his shirt and quietly recited a small prayer.

Silently he shoveled the dirt over the body and than he placed several rocks on top to prevent the coyotes from digging the squirrel up. Quietly crying he slowly made his way to his car. The tears had been cathartic. He did not know if this was the beginning of a new path or just a slight detour before he returned to the rut he had been trapped in. Either way the emotional release was good for him and he hoped a sign of things to come.

Phoenix

Candlelight danced with the shadows, a waltz to music only the spirits could hear. Victoria sat in her grandmother's rocker wrapped in a quilt draped with one of her favorite books "Rapture in Death" open on her lap.

In the fireplace logs from the maple tree that had come down in the big windstorm cracked and popped with delight. Providing the room with warmth and a sense of home. The comfort that surrounded her was lost on Victoria as tears slipped from her eyes and fell to the unread pages below.

Her heart and soul were still trying to come to grips with the end of her most recent romance. Everything had been going so well. Life with him had been filled with candlelit dinners, walks in the surf and dancing in the moonlight to the crooning sounds of Sinatra. All she had ever dreamed of. Now there was an empty place at the table, cold sand between her toes and a phonograph needle soundlessly spinning.

Victoria had come here to her little hideaway in Vermont to examine her life and attempt to rebuild her broken heart. Introspection was not her forte and she found it difficult to do more than feel sorry for herself. Reviewing the broken battleground of her fractured relationships was a task best suited for an archeologist not a thirty-year-old woman who still believed in fairy tales and the eminent arrival of Prince Charming.

Experience was said to be one of life's great teachers. All she had to show for her dive into the fast lane of love was a heart that had been portioned and broken so many times that it had begun to resemble a geologists guide to fault zones. Apparently she had failed to learn anything from her experience except how to continue to make the same mistake over and over again.

If the past continued to repeat itself she would not even have to live through the relationship the plot points were as apparent as the story line for every teen horror movie ever made. She would return to the city. For a few weeks her and the girls would spend their weekends dining, drinking and clubbing. One day a new pretty boy would rear his handsome head. Her lust would overrule both her mind and a new relationship would spring to life. They would embark on several weeks of whispered passion and midnight rendezvous'. Before long her mind would brainwash her heart into believing that her latest boy toy was the one. Mr. Boy Toy would have other ideas however and as soon as she became serious he would find a reason to move on.

Suddenly Victoria slammed the cover of her book shut. She threw the quilt to the floor and began to roam the room snuffing the flame on each and every candle. In her mind she began repeating a new mantra, "no more, no more, no more." She went to the closet and removed several shoe boxes filled with dusty memories of yesterdays broken hearts. Sitting on the floor near the fire Victoria began to systematically open the boxes, remove the trinkets, photographs, and letters tossing them one by one into the fire. As each box was emptied her soul began to feel just a bit lighter. Her phonebook was the next to feel the heat of her hearts fury. Phone numbers and email addresses sacrificed to the goddess of lost dreams.
Turning from the fire Victoria went to the hallway grabbed a sweater and ventured out into the moonlit night. Head down she began walking one foot in front of the other; mile after mile, until she reached the maple trees that marked the end of her property. She sat with her back against an old boulder still warm from the day's sun. The night sky called and her mind responded soaring amongst the stars searching for truth.

In her soul however the truth was there for the taking. In the darkness Victoria began to see the light. Forgiveness was the first step on the road she hoped to travel. Her heart was heavy with the bitterness she felt towards her past lovers. That bitterness must be discarded. Her heart was scarred with self inflicted wounds not the fault of those who left but the fault of the one who made choices out of fear rather than love. As awareness of her own culpability came to the surface the scars on her heart softened and began the slow healing process.

Out of the ashes of Victoria's damaged heart a phoenix began to rise. Shedding the wounds of yesterday and embracing the hope of tomorrow. In the silence of a winter's night she was finally beginning to understand the melody to her souls song. She and only she was responsible for her string of broken hearts. By allowing the "it" factor of society to define for her the meaning of love and beauty she had abdicated the free will she had received from her creator. She had surrendered to fear and accepted loneliness.

Looking up at the full moon Victoria shouted her new mantra for the world to hear "no more." From this moment forward I will live with love and cast aside fear. My heart, mind and soul will walk in solidarity together as one awash in the light of my newfound understanding. And God willing somewhere along this road I will find a pilgrim who like me is on a quest for a soul who's melody will blend seamlessly with theirs. Until that day though I will be content to lose myself in the rhythms of the universes song.

Tony Randall

The recent passing of Tony Randall dropped me into a sea of memories.

In the early seventies my Friday nights were always spent with my grandparents. Nana would fix dinner than she would take a nap before heading off to work. My grandfather would do the dishes and sit in the kitchen with a cigarette, a cup of coffee and a magazine, usually the Readers Digest.

I could be found curled up on the couch lost in a good book. About eight o'clock my grandfather would join me in the living room, turn the TV to ABC (his preferred network) and sit back in his avocado green recliner. We never talked much. I would continue reading occasionally glancing at whatever happened to be on.

About nine fifteen he would return to the kitchen and fix us both a good-sized bowl of vanilla ice cream swimming in caramel. He would return with our dessert and together we would satisfy our sweet tooth while he laughed his way through his favorite show "The Odd Couple".

I really do not remember the show all that well. However, anytime I hear the theme song or catch a glimpse of one of the episodes it is like being thrown into a time machine and being sent back to 1971.

Though I never met him I would like to take this opportunity to thank Tony Randall and of course Jack Klugman for the Friday nights I shared in quiet companionship with my grandfather. They are memories that will remain with me always.