Saturday, April 30, 2005

free

rain falls
on a sunny day
or was it
sunday
on
wednesday
did the eagle
fly in reverse
or is this
nonsense
we move time
forward
we move time
back
though nothing
really changes
change
you say
i believe
it was 13 cents
from the dollar
please never
ever holler
he was only
kidding
besides
my toe hurts
will it hurt
tomorrow
after you drop
a book on it
precognition
l.s.d.
who knows
besides
as the mouse
said to the eagle
before being
swallowed
“who cares”

Friday, April 29, 2005

devolution

books
knowledge
to what purpose
why learn
most don’t
but claim they do
not learning
their p’s and q’s
faking it
wasting school
no sense
ignore the obvious
movies, television
video games
teachers of
the new millennium
maybe right
we maybe
wrong
who will say
that planes
can’t fly
or claim
people crawl
upon the earth
what can
monkeys see
who is the monkey
them or me

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Possession

She removed his still beating heart as he slept the sleep of the innocent. She wrapped his heart in a swath of black silk that she had purchased for the occasion. She placed his heart in a lockbox and buried the box beneath the cellar floor.

No one but her would possess his love.

No one but her would possess his heart.

No one but her would possess his soul.

Once upon a wedding day she had promised to love, honor and obey until death do us part.

She had lied.

Death would not separate them, death would unite them forever beyond the realm of this mortal coil.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Hypocrisy

The dominant influence when it came to the religious training of my youth was my maternal grandmother. She was born and bred a Catholic and it was her mission in life to make sure that the family toed the company line.

This was especially true after my mother and father were divorced. My mother gave up on the church when a priest told her she could no longer receive communion because she was a divorcee. Her response was that in the churches eyes it must have been better for her to remain with an irresponsible alcoholic who endangered their children through his actions just so she could continue to receive communion.

From that moment forward she turned her back on the church. She would attend for the special events. First communion, confirmation the occasional wedding or funeral but she to this day refuses to attend mass or receive communion.

So by default nana became my religious teacher. Everyday after school upon completing my homework she would break out the catechism and I would spend the next thirty to forty-five minutes reviewing the teachings of the church, answering questions and memorizing the standard prayers.

My religious education went on without a hitch until I began high school and coincidently began thinking a bit more for myself. It was not so much that my belief in God had faded. More that I began to question the black and white way in which nana viewed the world.

For instance: one of the first debates we had developed when I began to question who can enter the kingdom of heaven. My grandmother was hard-core and in her minds eye only good Catholics made it through the pearly gates. This was a belief that I was unable to wrap myself around. What sense did it make to punish people in some far off land who may have never even heard of the so-called one true church.

Nana would have none of that. The more I questioned this belief the more she fell back on the old standby that it was not man’s place to question God. What she really found disturbing though was when I asked if it was man’s place to speak for God?

Another debate concerned remaining loyal to the church, meaning that you should marry a Catholic and raise your children in the faith. I could never understand from a purely religious point of view how that made any sense. Love did not recognize the boundaries where one mans faith ended and another’s began.

It was not until much later in life that I understood that it was never really an issue of faith. The issue was preserving intact the marriage vows. A couple stands a much better chance of success when they share similar religious beliefs.

Finally though, for me the issue that led to my putting away the childlike faith of my youth and replacing it with my own understanding of God was the discovery that my grandmother and grandfather like anyone else had a history. One that nana never spoke of until I was fifteen or sixteen years old.

It turned out that not only did nana marry outside of the faith but also she married a divorced man and in a civil ceremony to boot. Now personally this had little or no effect on my life. I mean if she had not married my grandfather there would be no me. So obviously I had a vested interest. No, for me it was the hypocrisy of the whole thing. She had spent years teaching me the foundations of our faith and here I find that she herself had not followed a rigid line of obedience.

My grandfather, before he met and married my grandmother was briefly married to his second cousin. Apparently the marriage was over rather quickly and my grandfather divorced her. Oh and my grandfather was raised a Methodist and had never set foot inside a Catholic Church.

When my grandparents decided to marry they discussed a church ceremony with the priest in charge of the parish my grandmother attended. They were informed that a petition would have to be filed requesting the churches permission to marry. Being impatient, young and in love they did not want to wait for the formal permission so they went to Arizona and were married in a civil ceremony.

When the petition was granted they had a small ceremony in which their union was recognized by the church. On a side note in order to receive final approval for the wedding my grandfather had to sign away any official say in the religious upbringing of any children the union produced.

As tends to happen in life. My grandfather eventually converted to the Catholic church and was very active in his parish up until the time of his death.

From the vantage point of hard earned hindsight I can see that nana was just toeing the company/church line. Passing on the lessons she had learned without stepping outside the box to think for herself. Which is exactly how someone would have been raised in the church prior to the changes of Vatican II.

Happily as is wont to happen as one ages my grandmother softened around the edges and in later discussions even acknowledged that there might be room for non-Catholics in heaven after all. Go figure.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

setraline

as he watched, helpless
her mind splintered
on the rocks of insanity
leaving behind
the shattered hull
of a once beautiful woman
sentenced to life
behind bars
of frustration and despair
a prison occupied
by those once calm
caught in the rapids of rage
thrown into a watery limbo
where meds no longer deliver
on the promise
of peace in her mind
where demons
having conquered science
use her cerebral cortex
for target practice
laughing maniacally
while shredding her soul
into bits of cosmic confetti

Thursday, April 21, 2005

pocketful of dust

my pocketful of dreams
has become a pocketful of dust
so many tears have fallen
my heart has begun to rust
the rainbow I once followed
is now many shades of gray
the sun no longer fills my sky
darkness smothered the light of day
the childlike faith I once embraced
fell before a pack of lies
my soul weighed down by bitterness
never found a chance to fly
time once my trusted friend
has worn away the edge of hope
the walls I built against the world
allow my mind to cope
with all the pain and sorrow
along this path of twisted love
where all about lies the wreckage
of the life I once dreamed of

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Momdate April 19th

Two weeks ago she underwent another PET scan to determine the current status of her bone cancer. She has been sleeping a lot of late, very little appetite and quite a bit of pain in her hip. While the primary reason for the scan was for ensuring that the cancer had not spread beyond the bone, the doctor was also concerned about the pain.

Now call me crazy or just a bit insane but it has always been my understanding that once a test has been run, especially one has important has a PET scan, that the doctor would discuss the results with the patient ASAP. Of course I could be wrong and apparently in this case I am.

Just has she has in the past after her monthly injections she went to the doctor for the results. Rather than sitting her down with said oncologist the nurse handed her a print out of her results and offhandedly mentioned that they looked pretty good. Upon inquiring mom found out that she would not be seeing the doctor again until May.

As coincidence would have it she ran in to her doctor in the hallway as she left the clinic. The “great man” managed to stop for all of thirty seconds, obviously more important patients or his golf clubs awaited. He gave mom one of those condescending superior smiles and managed a complete sentence before disappearing down the hallway. In short, he said her scan looked pretty good and that they would discuss it in more detail during her next appointment.

Pretty good I am sure has many definitions depending on who is using the phrase and in what context. One would hope that on average an oncologist would be able to even in passing provide a brief but somewhat clearer diagnosis than pretty good.

Apparently, at least according to “dr. god” pretty good is defined in the following context. The bone cancer showed slight improvement in the lower back where the radiation treatment was targeted. However, her hip shows an increase in the amount of cancer cells and has deteriorated since the previous scan. The cancer does not appear to have spread beyond the bone. Oh, and for some reason the heart muscle has become inflamed.

I would hate to hear what “dr. god” would have to say if someone was doing just okay. From the sounds of his pretty good the patient who was okay would be in ICU or something.

Despite the stress of the situation mom is taking it pretty well. Rather than worry herself sick she took a few proactive steps. She has appointments to see both the oncologist and the cardiologist the first week of May.

Before that though she will be spending a few days in Hawaii with my brother, his two daughters and his granddaughter. Taking some much needed R&R before doing battle once again with the arrogant jackass who calls himself a doctor.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

bitter

bitter
alone
no comfort
no love
only emptiness
inside and out
wanting a friend
reaching out
burned again
broken heart
again, again
embrace the pain
no one left
only me
to sit and wonder
what should have been
what could have been
what never was

Saturday, April 16, 2005

ocean dreams

november clouds
fill the sky
my soul is torn
from all the lies
yet i search
for forgotten truths
misplaced once
upon my youth
hope once faded
heart unloved
tears fall
from the cross above
thoughts of death
life misspent
forever young
wrapped in discontent
a rebel prowls
the night alone
lost in thought
birthday songs
fade to black
what went wrong
shadowed peace
summer love
unhealed wounds
one red dove
on the shore
lost in time
so much more
i feel protected
safe and sane
in the sand
i will pray
for lost comfort
peace of mind
a bit of happiness
for one to find


Thursday, April 14, 2005

endings

foxholes
olive branches
guns
a dove
peace
war
love
hate
why
violence
friendship
pen
sword
flowers
bombs
man
machines
life
death
we
create
we
destroy
bringing
extinction
down
to earth

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

dental cattle call

walking into the waiting area was not conductive to remaining stress and panic free. in a space designed for ten to fifteen adults was at least double that number along with assorted children. voices blended into a dull rumble, which brought to mind the sound of a freight train on a long lonesome journey.

turning and running was the first thought that came to mind. a thought though that could not be reflected in action. with the abscess in my mouth continuing to provide discomfort and annoyance leaving was not an option.

the assorted masses were gathered for the same purpose, a consultation with the dental surgery department. the primary focus of which was the dental care of difficult children who were either afraid or unable to for some other reason sit through a dental appointment. which made me probably the oldest actual patient in the room. no stickers awaited me when the visit was complete.

the check in line had all the glamour of a cattle shoot on a dairy farm. leading us down a dark corridor in order to be milked. it took great amounts of self-control to suppress the moo within that was anxious to be heard.

finally, the front of the line was reached and paper work was collected to be filled out. as a veteran patient of the medical provider system completing the forms for me had been reduced to a science. fill out the required boxes. no pregnancy is not currently a condition my body is experiencing. attach list of current meds. attach list of current medical professionals contemplating all or part of my medical history. return paperwork to front desk and find a corner in which to hide from the masses there by preventing the onset of a panic attack. settle in for long wait.

surprises apparently still happen in the medical world. before the first page of my current book had been read my name was already being butchered. my escort/dental type person escorted me to a consultation where my medical history was reviewed. beginning with why an older person is in need of dental surgery versus daily run of the mill dental work.

once my various health conditions were discussed and a review of my meds and doctors was conducted the dental type person seemed to grasp why the dentist type person of last week had referred me to this particular university hospital.

as is always the case in these not to complicated situations it appears that nothing can be decided without the input of some unnamed committee. dental type person informed me that no decision would be made today. my current doctors would need to be contacted and a joint decision made on how to approach my dental care. if for some unexplained reason they were unable to help me assurances were given that a referral to someone who could help would be passed along.

all in all another annoying and frustrating day on the medical treadmill. it would be a pleasant surprise if just once my medical conditions would follow the path of least resistance.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

torn

his passing was marked by detritus
cast off from his torn and bleeding heart
a feeding frenzy of imps and demons
following in his wake
binding themselves to the negative energy
emitting from his soul
enabling his continuous obsessive wallowing
in a sea of self loathing

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Lungs In Crisis II: Revenge of the Tooth Fairy

Clinics, labs, medical offices, x-ray facilities, hospitals all places that I have come to despise over the past two years. Dental offices can now be added to the seemingly endless list.

As if dealing with another round of bronchitis was not punishment the fates decided it would be really cool if I woke up Friday morning looking like I was hiding the hope diamond in my right cheek.

Its sudden appearance caused me to fear that sometime while I slept a radiation cloud had passed over my head, scrambling my DNA and instigating the growth of a second head. In my wild imagination I pictured eyes forming, a nose appearing, a mouth even more annoying than my own beginning to speak. A second head was deserving of its own name, I had reduced the list to either Herman or Wolfgang when my senses returned.

Discarding the second head theory I went with the less fantastic but more creative abscessed tooth theory. I know it was a stretch but I was not ready to make my national press debut on the cover of Weekly World News.

In reality the facts are that due to the amount of more pressing health problems my visits to the dentist ground to a halt when this whole medical circus began. As someone with a history of dental problems it was not necessarily a good decision but one that had to be made. Now the tooth fairy had come calling and it was time to pay my dues.

I found a dentist who to my amazement was still taking patients at two thirty on a Friday afternoon. Once the usual introductions were complete, I was privileged enough to receive a full set of x-rays while explaining why the Federal Government should declare my mouth a disaster area so I could qualify for Federal Aide.

X-rays were developed, are those really my teeth yuck, and the dentist joined me for the thrill a minute discussion of my dental health or lack there of.

Basically, in a polite and business like fashion she kicked me to the curb unable to offer care for the abscess or the myriad of other problems discovered during the poking and prodding period.

The Reader’s Digest condensed version is that she did not feel comfortable working on the abscess or prescribing antibiotics without knowing which antibiotics I might have become resistant to over the past two years. She was also concerned about aggravating my lung problems while working on my other teeth. For long-term dental care she referred me to Loma Linda University. For immediate short-term resolution of my abscess she referred me to the local ER.

Two hours into the journey, no cure and on to the emergency room. The emergency room I frequent is on most nights very slow and able to quickly process patients through the system. I was so sure that I would be in and out that I did not bother swinging by house and selecting a back up book for entertainment purposes. Big Mistake.
I walked into the ER and did a double take. For a brief moment I thought I had walked into the wrong hospital. The place was packed. Every chair in the waiting room was occupied. I checked in and found that the wait was running about three hours for non-critical cases. Seeing that a second head growing out of my face would not be considered critical I settled in for a long wait.

And wait I did. Every time it appeared that the serious/critical cases were ebbing another ambulance would dispense its human cargo. While waiting was frustrating I was grateful that no one I knew was suffering the way some of the patients were. In particular there was an elderly woman, who unexpectedly dropped with a major stroke located near the brain stem and she had severe bleeding in her cranial cavity. Then there was the seventeen year old who was found by his father passed out in the street from alcohol poisoning. His friends were such good friends that when he passed out they split, leaving him in the street in a selfish attempt to cover their own asses. This kid is seventeen and the police were telling his father that if he did not get into rehab and stop drinking he would be lucky if he saw twenty-five.

Thank God for minor ailments like second heads growing out of my cheek.

Finally after a four-hour wait I was led from the waiting room and prepared to see the doctor. For the first half hour there was not a bed available so I sat in the hallway. When a bed did become available they were able to process and send me on my way rather quickly.

Other than the abscess everything was what passes for normal in my life. The doctor examined the abscess and concluded that it was not ready for draining and that the best course of action was high doses of powerful antibiotics. Follow up with my doctor and with Loma Linda for the dental care.

Seven hours spent waiting, one hour spent with medical staff and all I got to show for it was a hole in my arm from blood work and a lousy antibiotic prescription. At least I was able to leave and under my own power so I guess the evening was not a total waste.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

hope

in the darkness, no moon stars obscured by clouds of futility. a lone voice cries out. tearing asunder the promise of a once optimistic heart. beaten down time and time again. kicked to the curb and reminded of the worthlessness of an honest heart. love is pathetic. sex a drug. children a tool used to manipulate and destroy. all that once was has become nothing more than a carnival freak show. kept behind the bars of cage for the protection of the general population. come one come all. come see the last remaining dreamer. a fool. refusing to worship at the altar of indifference. refusing to accept that which has become common knowledge. the last remaining pagan holding on to a reality that has faded beyond yesterday. minions of the new age pass slowly buy. muttering and murmuring. covering the eyes of the young to protect them from the horrors. moving quickly as if hope might be contagious. as if love was a four-letter word unfit for human consumption.

until….

one stops unafraid. eyes wide with wonder. hands pass between bars, gently, almost lovingly touching. words are unnecessary. extraneous at this point. a lifetime of information exchanged. vows made, promises accepted.

in a moment the weight of the masses separates the one from the cage, forcing distance between the two. a seed has been planted though. watered by the words of a promise. strengthened by the knowledge that one other heart exists still in this world of darkness. left with a shield of hope, protection from the coming storm.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Star Wars

I am not familiar with Star Wars fans in other cities. My entire experience has been with the ones that live in the greater Los Angeles area.

This past Saturday the most rabid of these fans met at a hotel on Hollywood Blvd for breakfast and to review guidelines for life in the big line.

What line the innocent amongst you may ask? The line to see Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith.

Wait a minute I thought that movie came out on May 19th, what line are you talking about? The most hardcore of all Star Wars fans have traditionally began waiting in line outside Grauman’s Chinese Theater at least forty days before the actual showing.

Now I am not saying these fans are nuts, just a tiny bit obsessed. They camp out on Hollywood Blvd. Discussing all things Star Wars, sharing the sidewalks with the homeless population of Hollywood. Regardless of the weather, the mocking media and indifferent passerby’s the majority persist right up to premier.

Opening night finds them posing for the media. The line has been transformed from a rag tag group of geeks into a population of Jedi, Storm Troopers, Emperor’s and youngsters with multicolored light sabers. Excitement grips them, as they file into the theater ready to lose themselves in the Star Wars universe.

This year though it appears that the dark side of the force is being wielded by someone intent on ruining the experience for our fun loving geeks.

The line has always been run by the Starlight/Starbright foundation, which raises money to aide terminally ill children. Someone at the foundation dropped the ball because the fans began lining up on Saturday and yesterday it was released that the movie would not even be playing at Grauman’s Chinese but down the street at the Arclight Theater.

Quite a few fans quit the line but a hardcore group of eleven were still there this evening. Claiming it was not the movie that mattered but the line experience. I hope that is not their idea of a slogan for keeping the line going because hardcore fans want to see the movie not just wait in line.

Who knows how it will play out? On one hand the geeks are easy to make fun of. On the other with the series about to end it would be sad if they did not have their final day in the sun.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

destruction

adrift on a sea of indifference. ignored to the point of non-existence. half remembered dreams of love and fulfillment blister the wounded soul. wanting only acknowledgement of a time once cherished. where once a sun brought new growth to once fertile fields. the darkness now chokes hope from the breath of tomorrow. saline tears bring false hope to a parched and dying desert. an oasis of love once existed amongst these rocks. a date palm provided shelter for two worlds intertwined. stars sang songs of eternity at their joining. ever vigilant the fallen one planted the seeds of discontent before the vows creation. nurturing envy, feeding spite, medicating despair with the blood of the saints. collapse of matter is the destiny of each universe, collapse of love is the price paid for building a future on a false premise. for ignoring the warning signals. for accepting the gifts of the magi without proper contemplation of the cost. years pass, the walls crumble. the occupants though remain wrapped in silk. oblivious to the destruction that surrounds them.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

forever

her laughter
was his smile
her sorrow
was his tears
her dreams
were his pleasure
her nightmares
were his fears
her love
was his love
his love
was hers forever

Saturday, April 02, 2005

John Paul II

his warm winter light
brought sustanance to a starving world
a new sun shines in heaven tonight