Lungs In Crisis II: Revenge of the Tooth Fairy

Clinics, labs, medical offices, x-ray facilities, hospitals all places that I have come to despise over the past two years. Dental offices can now be added to the seemingly endless list.

As if dealing with another round of bronchitis was not punishment the fates decided it would be really cool if I woke up Friday morning looking like I was hiding the hope diamond in my right cheek.

Its sudden appearance caused me to fear that sometime while I slept a radiation cloud had passed over my head, scrambling my DNA and instigating the growth of a second head. In my wild imagination I pictured eyes forming, a nose appearing, a mouth even more annoying than my own beginning to speak. A second head was deserving of its own name, I had reduced the list to either Herman or Wolfgang when my senses returned.

Discarding the second head theory I went with the less fantastic but more creative abscessed tooth theory. I know it was a stretch but I was not ready to make my national press debut on the cover of Weekly World News.

In reality the facts are that due to the amount of more pressing health problems my visits to the dentist ground to a halt when this whole medical circus began. As someone with a history of dental problems it was not necessarily a good decision but one that had to be made. Now the tooth fairy had come calling and it was time to pay my dues.

I found a dentist who to my amazement was still taking patients at two thirty on a Friday afternoon. Once the usual introductions were complete, I was privileged enough to receive a full set of x-rays while explaining why the Federal Government should declare my mouth a disaster area so I could qualify for Federal Aide.

X-rays were developed, are those really my teeth yuck, and the dentist joined me for the thrill a minute discussion of my dental health or lack there of.

Basically, in a polite and business like fashion she kicked me to the curb unable to offer care for the abscess or the myriad of other problems discovered during the poking and prodding period.

The Reader’s Digest condensed version is that she did not feel comfortable working on the abscess or prescribing antibiotics without knowing which antibiotics I might have become resistant to over the past two years. She was also concerned about aggravating my lung problems while working on my other teeth. For long-term dental care she referred me to Loma Linda University. For immediate short-term resolution of my abscess she referred me to the local ER.

Two hours into the journey, no cure and on to the emergency room. The emergency room I frequent is on most nights very slow and able to quickly process patients through the system. I was so sure that I would be in and out that I did not bother swinging by house and selecting a back up book for entertainment purposes. Big Mistake.
I walked into the ER and did a double take. For a brief moment I thought I had walked into the wrong hospital. The place was packed. Every chair in the waiting room was occupied. I checked in and found that the wait was running about three hours for non-critical cases. Seeing that a second head growing out of my face would not be considered critical I settled in for a long wait.

And wait I did. Every time it appeared that the serious/critical cases were ebbing another ambulance would dispense its human cargo. While waiting was frustrating I was grateful that no one I knew was suffering the way some of the patients were. In particular there was an elderly woman, who unexpectedly dropped with a major stroke located near the brain stem and she had severe bleeding in her cranial cavity. Then there was the seventeen year old who was found by his father passed out in the street from alcohol poisoning. His friends were such good friends that when he passed out they split, leaving him in the street in a selfish attempt to cover their own asses. This kid is seventeen and the police were telling his father that if he did not get into rehab and stop drinking he would be lucky if he saw twenty-five.

Thank God for minor ailments like second heads growing out of my cheek.

Finally after a four-hour wait I was led from the waiting room and prepared to see the doctor. For the first half hour there was not a bed available so I sat in the hallway. When a bed did become available they were able to process and send me on my way rather quickly.

Other than the abscess everything was what passes for normal in my life. The doctor examined the abscess and concluded that it was not ready for draining and that the best course of action was high doses of powerful antibiotics. Follow up with my doctor and with Loma Linda for the dental care.

Seven hours spent waiting, one hour spent with medical staff and all I got to show for it was a hole in my arm from blood work and a lousy antibiotic prescription. At least I was able to leave and under my own power so I guess the evening was not a total waste.