Monday, February 27, 2006

a tear stained quilt

my depression is naught but
an old and faded quilt
in which i wrap my soul
each panel has been created
from dark moments of my life
in which i failed to pass a test
in which i failed to give a piece
of my heart, of my soul
to a brother on a corner
to a friend on bended knee
requesting only warmth
and shelter from the coming storm
each panel a reminder
of another lesson i failed to learn
of another mountain i failed to climb
leaving bits of bread crumbs
an empty reminder of my passing
no food for the hungry
no comfort for the lonely
ignorance of need a poor excuse
for the turning of one blind eye
each panel has been stained
by the oil of a thousand tears
falling silently in the darkness
from the eyes of a lonely man
lacking the courage to accept the comfort
offered by a thousand hands
lacking the faith of innocence
unable to believe in another’s heart
destined to walk a circle of silence
worry beads in hand
until the day he rediscovers
a belief in the promised land

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Me, Rain?

You Are Rain

You can be warm and sexy. Or cold and unwelcoming.
Either way, you slowly bring out the beauty around you.

You are best known for: your touch

Your dominant state: changing

Friday, February 24, 2006

Any Port in a Storm

With the hours and hours of air time and thousands and thousands written pages it is almost pointless for me to comment on the whole port controversy. Almost.

My personal view is not tainted by red state thinking or blue state thinking. It is not affected by whether I am pro-Bush or anti-Bush. My opinion has nothing to do with terrorism or the threat thereof.

In plain english no foreign power should be responsible for running or securing our ports. This should also apply to our airports, our airspace and our borders. Period no exceptions.

Does not matter if they are friend or ally.

Does not matter if we share borders, politics or religious belief.

Does not matter if we look the same, eat the same or speak the same language.

Perceptions and reality both matter when looking at the big picture.

We are perceived to be the most powerful nation on the planet yet we are unable to maintain our own ports. That does not compute with me.

We only have to look at ancient Rome to see that the fall came not from without but from within. Was caused not by Romans but by those that Rome brought in to run the empire.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

a simple spoon

in reality
it is nothing much
a simple spoon
made from wood
the handle is worn
from years of use
before she had
a mixer
or a whisk
she had this spoon
for mixing batter
stirring tea
or serving
german potato salad
the spoon
was once shiny
a coat of varnish
captured the light
hypnotizing
my five year old eyes
reflections dancing
around the tiny kitchen

she has been gone now
for a decade or so
her spoon though
holds a place of honor
on the white tile counter
standing tall and proud
amidst the modern tools
stirring my iced tea
tossing german potato salad
a simple spoon
a time machine
taking me back
to nana's kitchen

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The One Where I Am Sure To Piss Someone Off...

May be offensive to some readers. Proceed at your own risk.

Not unlike most of the population my religous upbringing was decided by those who came before me. My maternal grandmother's family originated in Italy, fire and brimstone Catholics by nature. A fear of God and the Catholic Church (not necessarily in that order) were the birthrite of each generation.

I followed the path laid before me. Baptism, First Communion, Confirmation each step on the ladder dutifully climbed. Each sign of the cross performed. Each confession shared with one of the parish priests assuring my future ascension into heaven.

Each ritual shared with family and friends a community of believers marching in lockstep. Chanting the hymns and shouting hosannas to the heavens.

There was only one thing wrong with this picture. I did not buy it. The church, the rituals, the holier than though attitude of so many parishioners just rubbed me the wrong way. And when my grandmother gave the company line to each of my questions I knew that I was spinning my wheels on a path of empty beliefs.

Mine not anyone elses.

I have known more than my share of Catholics in my day who have a sincere and strong belief in the church and I have a deep and abiding respect for that. It is only my own beliefs that are in question here.

I kept up the charade though. Not out of respect for the church but out of respect for my grandmother who was in point of fact in many ways a second mother to me. So until her passing I attended mass by her side. Sat with her in the hall on Sunday mornings while she shared coffee, donuts and gossip with her friends of many decades. Never letting on that my beliefs were lacking and that it was all being done in her honor not the popes.

Upon her passing I walked away from the Catholic Church and have yet to look back.

God is a different story.

I have deep and unwavering belief in God. A belief that has remained strong through the trials, tribulations and joys of my life. My problem has never been with the creator. My problem is now and has always been with organized religion.

I just cannot buy into it.

Most if not all religions are built upon a foundation of sand claiming a legacy received from God.

My problem is that as I look around this idea does not compute.

I believe in God. I believe that God had a hand in the creation of the universe. The development of life on this planet. That God is directly or indirectly responsible for the daily miracles of this world.

Sunrises. Sunsets. Rainbows. Childbirth. All perfect in their own way.

My question is if as I believe God created a perfect universe, how in the world could God have created the mess we call organized religion?

To Be Continued...

Monday, February 20, 2006

a wall

where did that wall come from
i asked myself
a wall which enclosed my world
blocking the sunshine
nothing grows behind this wall
the grass is brown
the flowers dead
the trees are stunted
unable to raise feeble branches
high enough to reach the warmth
within these walls
there is a path
along the wall
a perfect circle
i have no memory of the path
just of walks
lasting hours
long into the night
around and around i would walk
contemplating
meditating
praying
berating
pleading
eyes roaming a bit of sky
in search of a star
to grant my wish
to tear down this wall
to heal my heart
to give me hope
a reason
to believe again
a reason
to smile again
a reason
to remove the bricks
that surround my world
a reason to tear down
the wall
i never built
the wall
that protects me from the pain
that hides my tears from the world
that allows me to hide
in a dark corner
where the world is silent
and pain a myth
just me
and my sock monkey
waiting for the dawn

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Audience Manipulation

I am not sure if this a recent phenomenon or something that slipped passed me when I was not paying attention. It is not really an issue of any great significance just something that is irritating like a fly that keeps hovering around your ear.

What I find to be annoying is the way that the major networks are plugging the ratings or audience for their shows.

In the past the rating book would be released each week and any interested party could see that show A had so many million viewers, and show B had so many, on and on a number for every show.

Now, I have heard advertising for various shows including the Olympics hyping a cumulative number rather than an episodic number.

For example a show may be watched by 8 million viewers per week good but not great numbers. Nothing you would hype in an ad. Times that by 10 for the amount of weeks the show has been on the air and suddenly you have 80 million viewers that cannot be wrong.

Today it was the Winter Olympics and how over 70 million viewers have been captured by the drama and majesty of the games. Sounds impressive until you break it down by three networks showing various events almost 24 hours per day and suddenly your numbers are not that impressive.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

sea

i am of the ocean
a droplet of water
lost in a sea of salt
cast upon the currents
swallowed by a blue whale
filtering a world of plankton
through the blowhole
cast into the sky
i soar but for a moment
drifting, falling
riding the back
of a dolphin
singing a song of ancients
dancing to the music of gods
listening to creation myths
chants for non-believers
a wave washes me
back into the sea
where without concious thought
i evaporate
joining my bretheran
in the clouds of life
awaiting rebirth
rejoicing in the knowledge
that through us
a world is possible

Sunday, February 12, 2006

A Sea of Anxiety

If you have never experienced the debilitation of long term panic and/or anxiety disorder you are fortunate. If you are experiencing the debilitating affects of long term panic and/or anxiety disorder than I am confident that you will identify with this rant.

The average person has no clue nor understanding of the mechanics that make up an actual panic attack or symptoms created by variety of social anxieties. If they did they would shut up and quit judging those of us who deal with these issues on a daily basis.

I am sick and tired of the responses people have had to the changes I have gone through since the onset of these issues.

Do I enjoy going to the movies, of course I do. What I do not enjoy is paying ten dollars for a ticket. Another ten dollars for popcorn and soda only to have a wicked anxiety attack during the first ten minutes of the movie because the theater is to crowded and the sound system is to loud. Which leaves me waiting outside in the lobby for the movie to end so I do not ruin if for whoever I went to the theater with. So instead of going through all of that crap I choose not to go to the movies. If you don't like it than find someone else to hang with because I do not have the time to waste pretending that going to the movie will be enjoyable for me. If I do manage to sit through one it will be an early showing on a weekday.

Do I enjoy Disneyland or other amusment parks in the area. I did at one time. What I do not enjoy is spending fifty dollars to visit for the day and having anxiety every time I get in line and am surrounded by masses of people. That is not fun in any way shape or form.

For the same reason I do my best to avoid any situation involving large crowds. When anxiety hits the last place you want to find yourself is in a sea of people with no exit in any direction.

My social anxiety has been so bad at times that when I was working it would take an hour to make a phone call to another office. My hand would freeze and I would have to steel myself to dial the number and actually speak to a stranger.

Panic attacks are even worse. With social anxiety at least you can reduce its effects by avoiding situations you are familiar enough with to know the may trigger an attack.

Panic attacks can come from any direction and hit when you least expect it. You may be aware of some triggers but never all of them. You can be in the car. In the shower. Watching television. Out to dinner with friends. And bam out of nowhere you want to run away and hide.

The worst part about it is the lack of self control. In my case a part of my mind is aware that it is only a panic attack but it is only a silent observor. It cannot convince the rest of me that there is no need to panic. It cannot even stop the attack from happening. It is only able to note for future reference what happened.

I am sick and tired of people telling me they understand, that they have been there only to find out that their idea of a panic attack or social anxiety is being a little nervous for a job interview or having butterflies before a first date. Or maybe freaking out because they forgot an assignment for work or school.

That folks is normal anxiety. It has nothing to do with what someone who has social anxiety or suffers from panic attacks goes through.

With anxiety or panic attacks there are a number of symptoms one are all of them can be severe enough to send the sufferor to the ER.

Your heart will race out of control. Your blood pressure will be extremely high. My first panic attack my blood pressure was 210/160. You will feel a great deal of pressure on or in your chest. Your mind will be convinced you are going to die. Not some day. Now right this minute. Your hands will shake. Your eyes will tear up and you may even cry. In your mind you will begin saying goodby to all you knew in this life. At the same time you will apologize to the doctor or anyone else who might be helping that you are sorry you are such a burden. That you are aware that you are having a panic attack but you cannot control it.

The worst part of any attack though is the amount of people who do not believe you or do not understand how bad it can be. If the person loves you they may come to a understanding not really knowing what is going on but supporing you unconditionally. If that happens you are lucky.

The doubters far outweigh the supporters. I have been told to toughen up and be a man. I have had people who claimed to care ridicule me for what I have gone through. I know of people who have had to take themselves to the ER because family, friend or coworkers just did not understand. I even know of one person who was sent home from the ER without treatment because the nurse said it was all in their head.

So if you know someone who is going through this please be understanding and supportive it is a very scary place to be.

If you are going through this and there are people in your life be it friends, family or whatever and they do not understand kick them to the curb. You deserve to have people around you who support you through thick or thin.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

smoke

a ring of dust
is all that remains
to remind me
of where the lighter
once sat
an heirloom
once of my grandfather
a gun
with an unlimited suppy
of bullets
creating flames
which lit
the unfiltered tool
a cartoon camel
selling death
to the masses
taking the strength
from a man once proud
left to sit on his porch
oxygen in a can
a diver
in the driest ocean
no gills
no lungs
a desperate whisper
one more smoke
before i go

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is most difficult to find when it is ourselves we must forgive.

Monday, February 06, 2006

ruins

red screams
silence the whispers
falling like snowflakes
from the harvest moon
upon a field
where crosses lay
in wet embrace
amidst the ruins

Sunday, February 05, 2006

A Simple Question

For the past few weeks every where I turn I see a million people going to pieces over some mistruth's in A Million Little Pieces. People are shocked to find that a former drug addict may have embellished the truth. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. Which really is not the point. In the larger scope of life who was hurt by his embellishments. Other than Oprah's ego of course. Big picture no one was hurt. Regardless of the twists in his tale he is still a junky who kicked the habit.

On the the other end of the spectrum Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About has been a best seller for more than six months. The author has done time for fraud. He has been investigated, fined and punished by the FCC for misleading people. Yet no one is questioning how many people could be hurt for real if they ignore practical medical care and instead sleep with a magnent under their bed or where white more often to prevent illness.

Someone needs to step back and recheck or priorities. Author number two has the potential to do quite a bit more damage than author one. Yet he receives a pass from the mainstream media while author one is being roasted over the coals.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Medicare: Or How To Reduce The Surplus Population

Medicare reform with the addition of the new drug plan was sold to the American people as a way to improve access to health care for the disabled and the aged. After navigating my way through several weeks of hell I have come to the conclusion that the reform was actually designed to eliminate the surplus population through heart failure and strokes brought on by the stress of dealing with the system.

Not that I am any sort of rocket scientist, but I do know my way around the computer and have spent many years navigating the wasteland of corporate bureaucracies. That being said I have never in my 46 years dealt with a system as conveluted and senseless as this one.

In my case as most of you know I have been disabled for close to three years now. This past October I had to choose between paying more than four hundred dollars a month for private insurance or going on medicare. After weighing the pros and cons I went with medicare. Primararly because of the drug benefits that began this year.

I spent several weeks reviewing the various options. Standard medicare with a seperate drug plan was one choice. The other was choosing a combined drug/ins plan that allowed more freedom of choice. The money medicare would normally pay would go to the insurance company and they would manage your health care.

Neither choice was perfect but in the end I went with the ins/drug plan. In part because the drug coverage was far better.

I completed all of the forms. I was asked to choose a primary care doctor which I did. The same doctor I have been seeing for years. The question was never asked about specialist coverage and my mistake was not finding out for myself. I had chosen the same insurance plan I had through work and I wrongly assumed that the medical group my doctor belonged to would remain the same with the new plan.

Wrong.

While I was given the primary care doctor of my choice the group I was placed in had only one local doctor: mine. None of the specialists I have seen for three years were covered. None of the local hospitals were covered. For anything other than primary health care I would have to drive 30 minutes or more.

On the plus side the new program allows changes until May '06. On the downside trying to navigate the electronic phone maze they have developed will kill all but the most hardy.

I called and the electronic voice informed me that their would be a fifteen minute wait. No big deal right. Wrong again. That was followed by a disclaimer that due to the high volume my call might be dropped and I should be prepared to call back.

The muzak began and while muzak is never pleasent it is even more annoying when interupted every 60 second by a voice telling me that all circuits were busy. Finally after a little more than ten minutes a voice told me I was going to be transfered.

I was. To another voice telling me that due to the volume of calls I could not be connected and I should try again. Click and I was hung up on.

This went on for two days.

Meanwhile I need a chest xray that I cannot get unless I pay cash because I do not have authorization for the right radiologist.

To make a long story short. After many hours spent in the system I finally have the right plan. I cannot imagine how a senior citizen or someone who is much sicker than I could even come close to getting the correct plan.

When choosing plans not only do you have to verify that all of your doctors are covered. You also have to enter every drug you take to make sure that each of them are covered also.

The mess that the feds have created is unbelievable in its complexity. Hopefully someone will see the light and improve the system. Considering though what has happened in this country over the past few years I will not be holding my breath. I need all the oxygen I can get.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Momdate 2.3.06

A mixed bag of momformation this month.

Her most recent tests show her cancer is still in somewhat of a holding position. She has been having more pain in her shoulder though so a new body scan will have to be done to be sure.

Her red blood cell count is too low therefor she has become extremely anemic. She received a shot too boost her red blood cell production. I cannot remember the name of the med, it is advertised on television for people undergoing chemo.

The shot appeared to make a difference almost immediately. She said she was less tired and able to accomplish more through out the day.

The downside is that she has to have her blood tested each week until it stablizes. Which for her means driving from Bullhead City to Palm Springs every seven days. Hopefully the shots will work quickly and this will not be a long term task. I tried to talk to her about moving to Palm Springs but she is not yet willing to give up the river.

She is already to the point where she is no longer comfortable driving at night. After dark her vision is horrible. Driving home from my uncle's (he also lives in Bullhead) she was getting pissed off at a driver who appeared to be on the wrong side of the road. Turned out she was the one on the wrong side.

2006 I think is shaping up to be a year of great changes for her.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Activities for Insomniacs

  1. watch infomercials until your credit card is maxed out or you fall asleep whichever comes first.
  2. reorganize the silverware drawer.
  3. play World of Warcraft until your eyes bleed.
  4. listen to the coyotes fight.
  5. walk around the house collecting dead insects.
  6. organize medicine by type, name and dosage.
  7. see if you can catch a cobweb being formed.
  8. have a one person scavanger hunt by digging through all the couch cushions.
  9. organize shirts by type and color.
  10. wash the shoelaces from your tennis shoes by hand.
  11. place two ice cubes in the sink and see which one melts fastet.
  12. count the hairs on the back of your hands.
  13. organize all the files on your computer.
  14. organize all the photos sitting in envelopes through out the house.
  15. force yourself to watch nick at nite and tvland no matter how horrible the shows are that they are rerunning.
  16. learn to yodel.
  17. knock on a neighbors door and borrow a glass of milk.
  18. wash your mailbox.
  19. read war and peace.
  20. clean the gunk that has built up between the keys on your keyboard.
  21. waste twenty minutes of your life that will never be replaced by developing a silly list such as this.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Suggestion Box

Back in the day when I was a full time employee and a once in a blue moon writer I would periodically hit up co-workers and friends for ideas. Nothing major, an opening line or word with which to build a poem, rant or story.

Well fellow bloggers I seem to have temporarly hit the proverbial wall when it comes to new ideas. I as if I am very much in a rut when it comes to creativity and writing.

Simply put if anyone out there has a word, an opening line or any other suggestion that might spark my muse please feel free to leave a comment.

Please.