A Sea of Anxiety

If you have never experienced the debilitation of long term panic and/or anxiety disorder you are fortunate. If you are experiencing the debilitating affects of long term panic and/or anxiety disorder than I am confident that you will identify with this rant.

The average person has no clue nor understanding of the mechanics that make up an actual panic attack or symptoms created by variety of social anxieties. If they did they would shut up and quit judging those of us who deal with these issues on a daily basis.

I am sick and tired of the responses people have had to the changes I have gone through since the onset of these issues.

Do I enjoy going to the movies, of course I do. What I do not enjoy is paying ten dollars for a ticket. Another ten dollars for popcorn and soda only to have a wicked anxiety attack during the first ten minutes of the movie because the theater is to crowded and the sound system is to loud. Which leaves me waiting outside in the lobby for the movie to end so I do not ruin if for whoever I went to the theater with. So instead of going through all of that crap I choose not to go to the movies. If you don't like it than find someone else to hang with because I do not have the time to waste pretending that going to the movie will be enjoyable for me. If I do manage to sit through one it will be an early showing on a weekday.

Do I enjoy Disneyland or other amusment parks in the area. I did at one time. What I do not enjoy is spending fifty dollars to visit for the day and having anxiety every time I get in line and am surrounded by masses of people. That is not fun in any way shape or form.

For the same reason I do my best to avoid any situation involving large crowds. When anxiety hits the last place you want to find yourself is in a sea of people with no exit in any direction.

My social anxiety has been so bad at times that when I was working it would take an hour to make a phone call to another office. My hand would freeze and I would have to steel myself to dial the number and actually speak to a stranger.

Panic attacks are even worse. With social anxiety at least you can reduce its effects by avoiding situations you are familiar enough with to know the may trigger an attack.

Panic attacks can come from any direction and hit when you least expect it. You may be aware of some triggers but never all of them. You can be in the car. In the shower. Watching television. Out to dinner with friends. And bam out of nowhere you want to run away and hide.

The worst part about it is the lack of self control. In my case a part of my mind is aware that it is only a panic attack but it is only a silent observor. It cannot convince the rest of me that there is no need to panic. It cannot even stop the attack from happening. It is only able to note for future reference what happened.

I am sick and tired of people telling me they understand, that they have been there only to find out that their idea of a panic attack or social anxiety is being a little nervous for a job interview or having butterflies before a first date. Or maybe freaking out because they forgot an assignment for work or school.

That folks is normal anxiety. It has nothing to do with what someone who has social anxiety or suffers from panic attacks goes through.

With anxiety or panic attacks there are a number of symptoms one are all of them can be severe enough to send the sufferor to the ER.

Your heart will race out of control. Your blood pressure will be extremely high. My first panic attack my blood pressure was 210/160. You will feel a great deal of pressure on or in your chest. Your mind will be convinced you are going to die. Not some day. Now right this minute. Your hands will shake. Your eyes will tear up and you may even cry. In your mind you will begin saying goodby to all you knew in this life. At the same time you will apologize to the doctor or anyone else who might be helping that you are sorry you are such a burden. That you are aware that you are having a panic attack but you cannot control it.

The worst part of any attack though is the amount of people who do not believe you or do not understand how bad it can be. If the person loves you they may come to a understanding not really knowing what is going on but supporing you unconditionally. If that happens you are lucky.

The doubters far outweigh the supporters. I have been told to toughen up and be a man. I have had people who claimed to care ridicule me for what I have gone through. I know of people who have had to take themselves to the ER because family, friend or coworkers just did not understand. I even know of one person who was sent home from the ER without treatment because the nurse said it was all in their head.

So if you know someone who is going through this please be understanding and supportive it is a very scary place to be.

If you are going through this and there are people in your life be it friends, family or whatever and they do not understand kick them to the curb. You deserve to have people around you who support you through thick or thin.