intimidation

rumors of me leaving the digital world of blogging for the old fashioned world of hand written journals are greatly exaggerated. i for one can barely decipher my own handwriting which would leave me with entries that i could not read with no clue as to what i was thinking. than there was the practicality of snail mailing copies of the journal entries to interested parties. the cost alone would have left me wanting in the finance department. not to mention the blow to my ego when no one wanted a copy.

in reality i have been fighting through a bit of writer's block and a whole lot of intimidation.

the writer's block has been riding my back sucking my imagination dry for almost two months now. as evidenced by my very inconsistant postings. an entry followed by days of silence. hours spent avoiding the creative process. finding any excuse not to write or even attempt to write. i had nothing.

about two weeks ago the parasite on my back faded to black. it seemed as if the writer's block without warning had left as quietly as it had come. i was ready. i wanted to write. i wanted to go back to the time where daily posts were more near the norm.

than disaster struck. not huge and explosive disasters in the biblical since. no voice of god. no floods. no ark. no, the disaster was in a much more personal sense.

i found myself intimidated by the prospect of writing and of blogging.

a million and a half ideas were fighting to be first in line and yet i could not get one idea written. not by hand. nor by keyboard.

sure in my head each and everyone was an award winning kick ass piece. the problem was that the translation was failing. i was unable to take the seed from my brain creating magic in the process. i would sit and stare at the monitor unable to commit to any combination of words that might have a chance of working.

writer's block i can deal with. been there and done that hundreds of times. intimidation though was new. i have enough anxiety in my life without writing, which has been my escape, becoming entangled in my cornucopia of fears.

i figured i had two choices give up writing or fight through this and not be intimidated. i chose the latter. fighting through it means that some of what i post will at least in my eyes be crap. which is where the problem lies my internal editor is the one who is intimidated and rejecting everything. i have no clue at this point what is good and what isn't. therefore i will toss my words onto the blogger breeze and let them fall where they may.

tossing jesus

each sunday finds the kids in sunday school. their mornings are spent learning about jesus and completing various arts and crafts projects. what a picture frame made from wooden tongue depressers has to do with the bible i have no clue. i have read the book and as far as i can remember noah built an ark not a picture frame for his dad. regardless the kids have learned quite a bit, made new friends and in the process have had lots of fun.

yesterday was rally day at the church. food, games and music a g-rated afternoon appropriate for the entire family.

the food was typical church fare. overcooked hotdogs, chips and enough soda to send the entire children's congregation into overdrive.

the music was mixture of church favorites and good old fashioned sing-a-longs. i am sure as they warbled along the older members of the audience were flashing back to the many hours spent watching lawrence welk.

the games to were of the safe and sane variety. a water balloon toss. a bean bag basket toss. a throw the bean bag through the eyes, nose and mouth of a poorly drawn dragon, at least i think it was a dragon the seven legs kind of threw me off. and of course everyones childhood favorite: the jesus toss.

you remember the jesus toss don't you. everybodies favorite bible school game. you don't, well don't feel bad neither do i.

my first thought, before i remembered that i try not to take life to seriously, was what kind of sick and twisted game is this.

the object of the game was to toss the baby jesus into a wooden crib such as the one found in nativity scenes around the world. you won i baby jesus landed in the crib and i am sure you were going straight to hell when jesus hit the floor. and with the arms on those kids jesus hit the floor a lot.

i kept waiting for someone to overreact and put a stop to the fun and games. much to their credit the church members just laughed it off and let the kid have their fun.

imagine that a church with a sense of humor.

death warmed over with a side of fries

not a very optomistic sounding title but that is what a weeks worth of pneumonia will do to a person.

body pain and the overwhelming feeling i have that when i am sleeping the entire offensive line for the chiefs is using my chest as a stand in for their blocking dummy. not exactly a prescription for a good nights sleep.

the week included another round of x-rays which rad by rad are bringing me to my ultimate goal of permanently glowing in the dark and therefore eliminating the need for a reading light.

another round of antibiotics killing all of the good bacteria in my gut and allowing my stomach to digest itself.

another week of writer's block as a lack of oxygen to the few functioning brain cells i have left precludes anything resembling creativity from occuring.

on the bright side my mood is good and anxiety has been kept at bay for several weeks now. of course with the pneumonia creating a need for the ingesting of steroids the anxiety free zone may also become a thing of the past.

now where did i leave my xanex......