Shadows of the Heart

Captured by cupids arrow she fell once again into the arms of a man.

The stars were aligned. The soundtrack was perfect.

Hours spent talking through the night. Discovering shared experiences. Comparing similar battle scars.

Days passed. Love went from an abstract thought to a viable possibility.

Her heart long frozen began to thaw. Her soul once again found itself in sync with another.

In each other's arms they rediscovered the lost songs of creation. Passion. Fear. Love. Heartache. Creation. Destruction. Infinity discovered in a finite moment.

Alone once again she questioned. Am I ready to love? Am I prepared to share my heart with another? Without expectations? Without preconceptions? Without promises?

She accepted that the past was the past. Mistakes made were only mistakes if she had failed to learn the provided lesson. That was the question. If she was incorrect, would she in the final analysis have the strength to walk away? Even if that meant leaving a possible soul mate behind.

In the experience would lie the proof.

Days and nights passed as one. Her heart alone for so long became intertwined with his. Their love reflected a future that she had dreamed impossible. She was beginning to believe in the impossible and in a journey shared with this wonderful man.

Disappointment and heartache however are like earthquakes unpredictable and damaging.

Outside the window the blue moon shown brightly upon the sleeping city.

On the couch she was swimming in his vision, lost in his scent. Alive impossibly alive.

Distraction came in the ringing of the phone. He excused himself and came back in a few minutes.

"Sorry about the interruption. Now where were we?"

Doubt begins to creep in.

"Who was it?"

"My ex. She wanted to ask me something. It was no big deal."

So he thinks. Doubt grows bigger.
"Are you sure?"

"What is this? Of course, I am sure. We broke up a while ago. We were close though and I was close to her family. We have tried to remain friends."

Doubt has been replaced by certainty.

"Have you been with her since you broke up?"

"A few times. Not since I met you though."

Back to doubt.

Lips meet and he scoops her small frame from the couch and carries her to the bedroom. Windows open. Moonlight streaming in. Their soundtrack the sounds of the night. Crickets and owls calling to each other. She is lost once again in his arms.

The phone brings her crashing back to reality.

This time he talks for fifteen or twenty minutes.

Doubt is back in a big way.

"Boy that was bad timing wasn't it?"

"Let me guess. It was your ex again."

She can tell by the look in his eye that it was.

Certainty settles in.

"I better go."

"Why? Just because she called a few times does not mean anything."

She pulls him to her chest and holds on for dear life.

"I'm sorry", she says. "I have played this role so many times that I know not only my lines but your lines by heart. I know the stage directions. I know the cues. I know when the audience will applaud and I know when they will cry."

He doesn't speak but she can feel his warm teardrops and she can hear his quiet sobs.

"Many great women have played this role. Some better than others. However the role of healing lover is a thankless one. Those of us who have made this part our own rarely receive a reward. No Oscar. No Emmy. No Tony. We pick up the pieces of the heart she broke. We become nurse, caretaker, lover, and best friend. It is our arms comforting you as the sorrow pours from your veins. It is our love that nurtures you until you are strong enough to face the world again. What is our reward? Our thanks? Nine times out of ten when you are well enough you either return to the bosom of the one who did this to you. Or you tell us you need some time alone before falling in love again. Next time we see you though, you have your arm wrapped around a beautiful blonde and you are clearly over any reservations where love is concerned."

His tears have stopped but he is unable to look her in the eye.

"Not this time. You gave my heart new life. You taught my soul a new dance. In my visions of the future I can see us growing old together. However, you have a shadow. The shadow of your most recent love. You may be over her. You may still love her. Not that it matters because you are not over her. If you were you would have still been lying with me in bed. You would have let the phone ring. Or let the machine pick it up. You chose to answer it which tells me you are still conflicted"

She was fighting back her own tears. Knowing the lessons was easy. Putting them to practical use was the hard part.

She stood up and gathered her things.

"Now walk me downstairs and kiss me goodbye. Time is on our side. However, now is not our time. Maybe someday when her shadow has been erased and the scars she created have healed we can try again. Not today. Not now. I have worked to hard to heal myself. To grow. To evolve. It would be the worst of sins to throw all I have learned away. This time I will be the one to walk. Does it hurt of course. Now do not take this wrong, but it actually feels good to be doing the right thing for me."

Her bus pulled up. She gave him a last warm lingering kiss and climbed aboard. Her tears did not begin until his shadow had faded into the distance. They did not stop until the bus driver tapped her on the shoulder and informed her that she must have missed her stop because they were at the end of the line.