Social Anxiety

I have been battling Panic Disorder, complicated by Social Anxiety for five years now. I was not born with either of these personality roadblocks. Where they come from has yet to be determined.

Social Anxiety annexed space in my brain sometime after I completed high school. When exactly I am not sure. In high school I would not have been confused with a social butterfly or the life of the party by any means. However, I did participate in extracurricular activities that required somewhat of an outgoing personality and at least a small amount of social skills.

I belonged to the drama club; at my high school they were called the Thespians. I had roles in several plays including “The Male Animal” and “The Princess and the Pea”. I even directed a small play, which was a senior requirement.

During high school and for a short time after I worked as a busboy at a local restaurant, which of course required a great deal of interaction with the public and was not a position for wallflowers.

At twenty I left the restaurant to work for a major bank. By my twenty-first birthday I was the supervisor of a small staff. This was a position, which required a great deal of communication skills, especially when ninety percent of the other managers felt that I was to wet behind the ears to be a supervisor.

Sometime after my twenty-fifth birthday I lost my confidence. Maybe at birth I was only provided with a limited supply and I burned through it to quickly. Of course at the time I did not realize that I was developing Social Anxiety, for that matter I would not have even know there was such a disorder.

I found myself avoiding returning phone calls to both coworkers and customers. When I would reach for the phone I would find that my stomach was in knots and I was worried about saying something stupid while conversing with them.

Usually an outspoken participant at staff meetings I found myself searching for the cat who had stolen my tongue. I no longer spoke up and was petrified that someone would ask me a question.

Socially I began to find it difficult to ask someone out on a date. Even when I had a steady girlfriend my concern over her reaction to dating choice would cause me to freeze up and stutter the first thought that came to mind.

I even got to the point where if a fast food restaurant was empty of customers that I would linger in the parking lot until someone else entered than I would follow them in so as not to be the only one in the shop.

I was pathetic.

Now in my forties and having learned a great deal about Social Anxiety I can see so much clearer how obvious my actions would have been to someone who was in the know. I was and am still to a degree a classic case. If not for my psychologist I would still be looking at the world from behind a wall of silence. I still am a Social Anxiety sufferer but I am learning to not allow my fears to become a ball and chain around my ankle.