rain the newest four letter word!

we have been in gettysburg since the 20th. what was going to be a two day visit became much more when cristian discovered that the 4th of july weekend would be dominated by reenactments of the famous battle. intrigued myself we chose to hang out and see the sites.

of course there are many tales to share but for this post i am fast fowarding to the present.

since sunday there has been wave after wave of storm. thunder filled skies. campground illuminated by bolts of lightning. followed by the flood gates of heaven opening upon the earth.

i know i began this journey in awe of nature's powere. thrilled to be experiencing real weather for the first time.

i guess there really can be too much of a good thing. in the future when i make a request of god i believe i will be a tad more specific.

car camping presents its own challenges in stormy weather. minor things like keeping dry and preventing gear and car alike being overpowered by dank boy smell.

these minor concerns eventually became more major concerns last night when the entire county of adams was under flashflood alerts.

what had once been an oasis of calm was awash in flood waters. the playground where cristian and his buddies hung out became a raging river. small nearby cabins lay in seige surrounded by a ton of sand.

lightning bolts, immediately followed by explosions of thunder centered right above the camp.

trees back in the darkness crashed to the ground roots unable to find security in the suddenly liquified ground.

fortunately other than minor flood damage the camp made it through the night.

this morning cristian and i awoke to sunshine and birds singing.

the real downside to all of this rain is that the reenactments scheduled for this weekend have been postponed until the 7th.

so once again we are faced by a choice. give up and miss the reenactments or hang for another week and see it all.

i know what the old darrell would have done. worried himself to death and headed back not ready to step into the unknown.

the new darrell though, the new darrell along with cristian have decided to move down the road a bit for a few days to college park, maryland. there is a campsite within walking distance of public transportation and we are going to the nations capitol. in fact at this point we are debating where to spend the 4th. washington d.c., philadelphia or someplace we have yet to thinkg of .

east or west?

monday june 19th:

at some point during our iowa escape cristian and i began discussing our trip home. originally our plan was to be gone three maybe four days and here we were on the eve of week two.

cristian broke out the mapbook and after a few moments said dad, you know we are really not that far from gettysburg.

how far was far in his mind only about a thousand miles.

the look on his face told me all i needed to know we were going to gettysburg.

back in california he has done civil war reenactments and has well over thirty books on the subject. visiting gettysburg was something he had dreamt about but thought he would not get to do until he was an adult.

what the hell i thought.

sure cristian we can go to gettysburg.

don't joke around dad that's not funny.

i'm not joking if you want to go to gettysburg we will head for points east on the map.

by this point he was bouncing off the dq wall in disbelief.

life has not always been easy for him. with the pressure his mom has him under. with my illnesses. no life has not been easy.

i may not be able to give him the world but at least i can give him gettysburg.

is this heaven?

monday june 19th:

my only previous knowledge of iowa came from the movie field of dreams, which has a lot of meaning for me. like kevin costner's character in the movie the only connection i ever really had with my biological father was the game of baseball. what little relationship we had was going to a one or two dodger games a year. in fact the last time we did something together we flew to dodger/padre game in san diego. the game was fun but my father neglected to inform my mom so like most things he attempted it blew up in his face.

even though iowa was not on the agenda i was tempted to visit. add an invitation from amanda to see how the other side lived and how could i say no.

driving away from sioux city after the storm i knew i was not in california anymore. wide open space in every direction. dotted by a farm here a silo there and every once in a great while a small, small town.

after life in overcrowded los angeles this was heaven.

the air was crisp and clear.

the only noise was the tires on the highway.

no sirens, no screaming, no horns honking.

and a sky that went on forever and a day.

i could grow to like it here, i thought to myself.

after checking into our motel we were to meet up with amanda at the local park.

we arrived first and i knew immediately i was in heaven.

it was not the air, the blue sky, the wide open spaces, no it was a.............merry-go-round.

an honest to god merry-go-round. kid powered. all steel. and the most fun i ever had as a kid.

in california you see merry-go-rounds have been legislated right off the playgrounds. someone decided they were too dangerous. it had been years since i seen one.

this was never clearer than when cristian asked me what it was i was so excited about.

the state had so overprotected my son that he did not even know what he was missing.

i ran straight for the merry-go-round. got a good spin going and leapt on for the ride. the world was spinning out of control and i was in seventh heaven.

i am sure i made a hell of a first impression when amanda showed up with nathan only to find me spinning out of control and laughing like a kid at christmas.

the rest of the visit was made up of similar moments.

watching softball in the park: just being.

observing what appeared to be a million butterflies flutter through the pavillion at idaho state university: just being.
(i know we were in iowa as amanda just so politely pointed out. in my defense we have made so many iowa/idaho cracks that mr. freud snuck by my editor.)

wandering the gardens admiring the creativity of the designers: just being.

laying in the grass seeing more stars in one night than i had in the previous ten year in los angeles: just being.

losing myself in fields filled with fireflies. outshing any light show i ever saw in hollywood.: just being.

watching the kids bond, run, jump, swim and just enjoy themselves. something cristian rarely gets to do back at home.: just being.

in the end that was what was iowa was for me a place of just being, rediscovering the simple things in life.

is iowa heaven......who knows......but for four days it might have been.

a brief intermission

what originally began has a short jaunt through the nevada, utah and colorado triangle has become something far more surprising and life changing. i may be behind the wheel but i am no longer driving the car.

day 12 is looming and i still have no clue as to when i am returning to california or for how long.

a lark of a journey has turned into a journey of reself discovery.

i believe i knew this darrell many years ago. before life had worn down his pride. before compromise had led him into a dungeon of darkness built by his own two hands. before he had become but one of the walking dead, alive but not really living. before anxiety, ill health and so very many other issues had ground out his spark for life.

when did i decide enough was enough i am not sure i could pinpoint a date.

i do know that my psychologist jackie has been planting the seeds of change in barren ground for going on four years with no results. she has put up with a lot of wallowing and whining from me i hope she likes the results.

i do know that carrie over at echomouse and karen at ksquest, have taught me how to face life's difficulties with class and dignity. to accept the good and the bad with head held high and to never give up the fight.

i do know that sue over at torn pages has taught me through her deeply personal posts and her friendship that there is light and hope at the end of the tunnel. that i will get through the rough spots, that i deserve to be happy and that i will be a better person for it when i emerge on the other side.

two weeks ago i began this journey on a whim. at that time i made some decision's that did not make it into the earlier posts.

on tuesday when i left california i stopped taking my anxiety meds. period. end of story. no tapering off. no discussion with my doctors. i decided i wanted to see life through undrugged eyes for once.

i also stopped using my inhaler's while i have them with me i again wanted to see how i felt without any meds.

i have been told by so many doctor's that while i may not be cured, the elimination of stress and los angeles air would go a long way towards improving my quality of life.

now this may sound well thought out and planned. it was not. just like this trip i had no idea what i was doing until i did it.

i am going on 12 days without anxiety meds. in that time i have no experienced a single panic attack. while i did experience some of the expected chemical reactions to flushing the meds from my body i have survived.

it has taken some getting used to though. i have forgotten what real emotions felt like. the every day joys of a summer storm. the tears that may well up just because i need to cry. the laughter out of nowhere that is just the joy to be alive erupting from within.

while my breathing is not perfect my lungs are doing much better without los angeles air. little or no coughing, little or no wheezing, just basic pulmonary function. maybe the doctor's are right and all my problems are stress related

which brings me to the point i must have been heading all along with this post. thanking the person whose friendship, understanding and unconditional support unlocked the vault where my courage was hiding giving me the strength to face the road.

before january i only really knew of her existense through her mother's blog torn pages.

once amanda began her own blog at curious are we. we exchanged a few comments. nothing earth shattering. nothing mind blowing. nothing life changing. the usual mix of blogging comments.

sparky(my nickname for her it fits) and her mother were both playing world of warcraft. they seemed to be having so much fun I decided I would give it a try. The game is okay but it is the people you play with that make it worthwhile.

has time has progressed amanda and i have developed a real world friendship through blogging, world of warcraft, email and eventually phone calls.

in a remarkably short time she has become one of those friends we often dream about having but rarely find. she listens. she advises. she supports. she gives of herself unselfishly and without conditions.

through her friendship i have rediscovered what it means to be a friend and what it means to live rather than watch life from the sidelines. i have learned that it is much more fun to be off the bench and living than on the bench reading about living.

as my road trip progressed amanda invited cristian and i to iowa. where we met her, her son nathan (a credit to his mom) her husband greg and of course her mother sue. we spent four days in iowa visiting and sue had us out to her place for a bbq, where we all talked for hours, while the boys chased fireflies across the field.

thank you sue for the grub, hospitality, your friendship and for welcoming cristian and i into your home.

thank you amanda for being your sparky self and the most amazing friend i could have ever hoped to find.

the chorus from a recent garth brooks song describes her friendship perfectly.

Sometimes the best cowboys
Ain't cowboys at all
She's got my back
Even when it's against the wall
When I need a friend
She's the guy I call
'Cause sometimes the best cowboys
Ain't cowboys at all

so that is the long and the short of where i am at the moment.

the chorus of a recent gary allan song says in part "life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride." in many ways my life has not been beautiful in recent years. yet i would not change a thing. it took the struggles of the journey for me to appreciate where i am today.

god love's me, he really love's me

as we drove across nebraska i was content listening to cristian breath, watching the electrical activity in the distance and feeling the breeze of the road rush through the open window.

four days prior i could not have imagined being here on the plains in the middle of the night. losing myself in the music of life. but life is funny that way and sometimes you are surprised when you least expect it.

as the hours passed the storms seem to fade beyond the horizon. i was content in the moment, seeing and enjoying the weather.

we approached the nebraska border with cristian mumbling in his sleep. thought he was having a bad dream but he was just changing position. i mussed his hair to annoy him and turned back to the road in time to catch a brilliant flash of light off to the east.

our destination for the evening or should i say morning was a campground just outside sioux city, iowa. the lightening appeared to be in that direction but i was not about to get my hopes up.

crossing into iowa and heading northeast the storm was suddenly in front of us. the road appeared to have split the front in two and lightning battled earth on both sides of the highway.

all i could think was wow. i had seen lightning on national geographic or discover that was this brilliant. but never ever in person. the closer we drew to the campground the brighter the sky became. thunderbolts of the god's dancing to the primordial rhythm of old.

i am sure that my jaw was in my lap.

i was a kid in a candy store.

a six year old seeing disneyland for the first time.

a teen ager experiencing his first kiss.

a man losing himself in the eternal beauty of his eternal love for the first time.

it was all of this and so much more.

and yet words do not do justice for what was still to come.

we pulled into the campground early in the AM. i found a spot with a clear view expecting a continuation of what had guided us here.

god though, god had other ideas.

he was probably sick and tired of hearing me whine for decades about the lack of weather in california. so he looked down at me, chuckled and said you want weather boy....i got your weather right here.

within seconds of parking the sky exploded with all of natures fury.

not just in front of us. not just behind us. everywhere.

the electrical activity surrounded my car. immersing us in a surround sound experience that technology could never duplicate.

i was speechless.

i was raw.

it was as if the hand of god was reaching into my soul and turning my world inside out.

i asked for a storm and god as he often does went above and beyond giving me back my life...........

wacky wednesday wanderings

passing through denver was far, far from the end of our wednesday wanderings. our goal was the colorado/nebraska border and the town of gothenburg. the koa guide proudly proclaimed that we would be treated to a taste of british hospitality on the western edge of the nebraska frontier.

the flatlands of colorado were rather dull and uneventful after the thrills and chills of the new age age clone atecture dominating the beauty of god's mountains. mile after mile of rather mundane scenery. a landscape dominated by the sites and smells of cattle feeding on the prairie grass providing the once sweet air with a brand new perfume.

8:00 p.m. arrived with the weather promising electrical storm activity along the nebraska border. which of course just happened to be our evening destination.

anxious anticipation did not begin to describe the sense of adventure i was feeling at the moment. in my spare time i am a weather junky which does not mix well with living in california as there are only two types of weather. clear or wet. sure every once in a great while mother nature tossed a rather dull electrical storm my way or a good windstorm for my entertainment. in reality the only way to be a weather freak in california was to get my fix from national geographic or the discovery channel.

this would be my first opportunity to experience weather, real weather that my friends in the prairie states had promised was a normal occurance this time of year.

of course with every cloud comes not only a silver lining but a change of plans. our intended campground appeared to be directly in the storms path and a tent beneath a tree did not seem to be the safest of choices for riding out the electrical outbursts.

we had been on the road since 2:00 p.m. so a good six hours of driving had been completed.

with the anticipation of storm activity i chose to continue driving rather than pay at this point for a motel room. checking the map i made the rather ambitious decision to cover the entire state of nebraska in one night and arrive at our thursday campground early in the a.m.

best laid plans of mice and men have a way of changing right before our eyes. little did i know what the morning had in store for us.

clones, moss face and john denver's ghost

day two found us waking up in a koa campground somewhere on the outskirts of grand junction, colorado. well maintained and peaceful the campground was a perfect distraction before the next driving leg began. over seven hundred miles had left me a bit road weary but more than willing to face what the day had to offer.

we backtracked about eleven miles to the small town of fruita, colorado home to the world famous mike the headless chicken. we payed homage to the statue of mike and began a fruitless search for mike tshirts. for a town that has built a thriving tourism business on the back of dinosaurs and headless chickens the whole missing tshirt adventure was about the only disapointment of the trip so far. i know tshirts can be ordered from the website but i had my heart set on an in town purchase.

next we visited the dinosaur museum on the edge of town. rather small but a surprising about of information on the entire species.

one thing that has surprised me so far is that in california there seems to be a mcdonalds on every other corner. for whatever reason in utah and now colorado there appears to be a wendy's in every one horse town while mcdonalds are not quite as frequent.

after lunch we began the long drive through the rocky mountains. the landscape had a certain beauty that was lost in the over development of everything. snow still clung to the upper elevations refusing to give up the last vestiges of existance.

we eventually came across the first of many mountain crawl traffic jams. turning a three lane road into a quagmire with anxious drivers cutting right and left. as we approached the sign man directing traffic i had to do a double talk as he appeared to have some form of scraggly moss clinging to his chin. some mean have beardable faces this man was just moss faced soul out of place. i should have takend his appearance has a fortelling of the rest of the day but as usual i ignored the clues.

it was just after passing moss face that i had my first clue that these were no longer john denver's rockies. each new town that has been built with the same clone planning that has gripped america for years. i expect it in la but not the rockies. town after town dominated by the urban clone villages.

the more we drove the more cloned villages we saw and the more angst was building from within.

i did however relish the joy of passing through huge tunnels blasted through the mountain face that appeared to stretch on and on for miles.

as we had suffered through many miles of the clone a techture. we chose to reward ourselves by ignoring denver and moving on.

smog, wind and the long arm of the utah law

day one of the trip is behind us. leaving la behind me and heading off into the unknow woke up emotions and feeling that i have not experienced for many years. freedom, untethered joy and the wonder of the great unknown.

driving out of the desert and into vegas almost ruined the first day for me. my son being to young to remember the vegas of the seventies had no clue. and my most recent visits had come from the hoover damn side and i was not driving so there was a lot i missed. following rte 15 i came to realize how much a city which was never great in the first place had been over commercialized, overbuilt and overpopulated.

the traffic sucked.

the over crowding sucked.

and the air sucked worst of all. in la. my eyes watered. my throat burned and i wondered aloud to my son who in their right mind would want to live here. a nasty, nasty place. of course i will visit again for a day here and there. all that money has created art exhibits that never make it to la.

after crossing the nevada we began a long, long stretch of desert. i am not a desert person but my son the future paleontologist/geologist was in his element. rock formation of every size, shape and color dominated the horizon. cliff faces with colorful geologic era's stratus reflecting the sunlight.

of course my imagination is a bit more vivid than my sons and some what i saw embarrassed him to no end. at least he pretended to be but he did not hide his amusement very well.

soon we came upon one of those famous desert sand storms which quickly reduced the visibility to less than one hundred yards.

it was at this point that one of utah's finest saw fit to flash his lights and pull me over. i was beyond clueless i had no idea why i was being pulled over.

seatbelts on, check.

lights on in sandstorm, check.

registration current, check.

suffice it to say that i was beyond shocked when he informed me that i was clocked at 99mph.

i glanced at the sandstorm rocking my car, the lack of visibility and brown glow of my headlights and thought to myself what the hell is this guy thinking.

outloud i said officer if i was clocked at 99mph than there is something wrong with my speedometer.

the speed limit on the highway was 75mph and i doubt i was making that. he just shook his head and asked for my liscence and registration.

even my son was aghast. dad there was no way you were doing 99mph he is crazy.

of course the fact that i was driving a '95 dodge neon should have given the officer of a clue. i doubt there is a stock neon around doing 99mph on the open highway. just the weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (thanks to sparky for the high tech special effects)sound of a little engine straining to keep up with the big guys.

the long arm of the utah law soon returned with my ticket to sign. it seems that the money they are making off speeders was put to use for in car printers and computers as the ticket was computer generated.

once we were sent on our way cristian observed that the only reason we were chosen from the masses was because of our california plates. smart kid if i do say so myself.

we ended the day at a koa campground in grand junction colorado. after driving over seven hundred miles i should have been exhausted and fallen immediately into a deep sleep. instead i lay beneath the infinite sky wondering where this seemingly new darrell had come from. footloose and stress free on the nations and hiways and biways.

On the Road

When I was a child my grandfather used to watch a travel show on one of the local channels. It was a husband and wife driving around the country in their R.V. They would share there adventures with the viewing audience. In the days before satellite, cable and a zillion channels this was interesting stuff. Bringing the back roads of the country into our living rooms.

Tomorrow I am setting out on my own happy wanderer road trip. Just my 13 year old son and I for a minimum of ten days. Not sure of all my destinations. Though I do have a few in mind. I could give them away here but that would take the fun out of blogging from the road.

Mayo on Rye (yuck)

Mayo you were good to me or so I thought no I know that my health cannot be bought.

It seems the Dr. Golf (he always looked ready for tee time)was not the doctor I believed him to be. I received his report in the mail this past week and there were a few items he neglected to disclose.

He also gave less credence to my asthma/chronic bronchitis in his written report than in person. In writing he focused more on anxiety and stress as my primary health issue.

1 - My cholesterol was above 240. Not the end of the world but something we should have discussed. My heart is in good shape and I do not want to mess with high cholesterol. Jessic gave me a prescription for one of the standard meds.

2. My white blood cell count continues at a high level. I was feeling rather well in Arizona yet my count was 15. It has been high for a bit and we have been monitoring it. Dr. Golf should have mentioned it though. If the count hits the 20's it could be a sign of leukemia.

3. My diaphragm on the right side is displaced and pushing into the lower lobe of my right lung. This can effect how the lung functions and could be keeping the lung from expanding. This is usually caused by a weakened muscle at birth and can be repaired surgically.

4. I have a small fibrosis infiltration of the lower right lung. Not serious yet but could lead to pulmonary fibrosis or something similar. Two of the primary symptoms are shortness of breath when exercising and a general feeling of unwellness.

A bit more to worry about on the health menu but not the end of the world. I just hope Jessica never stops practicing medicine because if she did I would not know who to trust.

Send in the Clowns

My apologies to one and all for the mini drama of yesterday's post.

I did what I have never really done before and posted something mid anxiety attack. No editing, no thinking just a quick mental dump.

In rereading it this morning I realized that what I wrote was easy to interpet one hundred and one different ways.

No one died.

No one is sick.

No tragedy of any kind occured.

Sometimes a week at my mom's is like a week in some fictional world. Problems slip away and anxiety takes a back seat for a few days. Than something happens to bring me back to reality. And boom anxiety attack city.

At this point the anxiety has subsided. I drove back from mom's today. And was greeted by something that used to be air but now resembles something from a low grade godzilla knockoff.

I will do my best to keep anxiety attacks from bleeding into Murmur's.

Now will someone please send in the clowns.

out of the clear blue sky
a hand reaches down
and slaps the smile
right off my face

Shhhhhhhhhhh

11o degree temps do not lend themselves to creative postings. i have been at my mom's in bullhead since tuesday and creativity seems to have melted in the heat.

i was hoping that a week out of the smog pool would make a marked difference in my breathing but so far i have failed to notice any change.

of course the primary reason for my exodus to arizona is spending time with mom. other than pain and sleepiness she appears to be doing well all things considered. her appetite is good and her spirits are high.

all things considered a good week.