a brief intermission

what originally began has a short jaunt through the nevada, utah and colorado triangle has become something far more surprising and life changing. i may be behind the wheel but i am no longer driving the car.

day 12 is looming and i still have no clue as to when i am returning to california or for how long.

a lark of a journey has turned into a journey of reself discovery.

i believe i knew this darrell many years ago. before life had worn down his pride. before compromise had led him into a dungeon of darkness built by his own two hands. before he had become but one of the walking dead, alive but not really living. before anxiety, ill health and so very many other issues had ground out his spark for life.

when did i decide enough was enough i am not sure i could pinpoint a date.

i do know that my psychologist jackie has been planting the seeds of change in barren ground for going on four years with no results. she has put up with a lot of wallowing and whining from me i hope she likes the results.

i do know that carrie over at echomouse and karen at ksquest, have taught me how to face life's difficulties with class and dignity. to accept the good and the bad with head held high and to never give up the fight.

i do know that sue over at torn pages has taught me through her deeply personal posts and her friendship that there is light and hope at the end of the tunnel. that i will get through the rough spots, that i deserve to be happy and that i will be a better person for it when i emerge on the other side.

two weeks ago i began this journey on a whim. at that time i made some decision's that did not make it into the earlier posts.

on tuesday when i left california i stopped taking my anxiety meds. period. end of story. no tapering off. no discussion with my doctors. i decided i wanted to see life through undrugged eyes for once.

i also stopped using my inhaler's while i have them with me i again wanted to see how i felt without any meds.

i have been told by so many doctor's that while i may not be cured, the elimination of stress and los angeles air would go a long way towards improving my quality of life.

now this may sound well thought out and planned. it was not. just like this trip i had no idea what i was doing until i did it.

i am going on 12 days without anxiety meds. in that time i have no experienced a single panic attack. while i did experience some of the expected chemical reactions to flushing the meds from my body i have survived.

it has taken some getting used to though. i have forgotten what real emotions felt like. the every day joys of a summer storm. the tears that may well up just because i need to cry. the laughter out of nowhere that is just the joy to be alive erupting from within.

while my breathing is not perfect my lungs are doing much better without los angeles air. little or no coughing, little or no wheezing, just basic pulmonary function. maybe the doctor's are right and all my problems are stress related

which brings me to the point i must have been heading all along with this post. thanking the person whose friendship, understanding and unconditional support unlocked the vault where my courage was hiding giving me the strength to face the road.

before january i only really knew of her existense through her mother's blog torn pages.

once amanda began her own blog at curious are we. we exchanged a few comments. nothing earth shattering. nothing mind blowing. nothing life changing. the usual mix of blogging comments.

sparky(my nickname for her it fits) and her mother were both playing world of warcraft. they seemed to be having so much fun I decided I would give it a try. The game is okay but it is the people you play with that make it worthwhile.

has time has progressed amanda and i have developed a real world friendship through blogging, world of warcraft, email and eventually phone calls.

in a remarkably short time she has become one of those friends we often dream about having but rarely find. she listens. she advises. she supports. she gives of herself unselfishly and without conditions.

through her friendship i have rediscovered what it means to be a friend and what it means to live rather than watch life from the sidelines. i have learned that it is much more fun to be off the bench and living than on the bench reading about living.

as my road trip progressed amanda invited cristian and i to iowa. where we met her, her son nathan (a credit to his mom) her husband greg and of course her mother sue. we spent four days in iowa visiting and sue had us out to her place for a bbq, where we all talked for hours, while the boys chased fireflies across the field.

thank you sue for the grub, hospitality, your friendship and for welcoming cristian and i into your home.

thank you amanda for being your sparky self and the most amazing friend i could have ever hoped to find.

the chorus from a recent garth brooks song describes her friendship perfectly.

Sometimes the best cowboys
Ain't cowboys at all
She's got my back
Even when it's against the wall
When I need a friend
She's the guy I call
'Cause sometimes the best cowboys
Ain't cowboys at all

so that is the long and the short of where i am at the moment.

the chorus of a recent gary allan song says in part "life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride." in many ways my life has not been beautiful in recent years. yet i would not change a thing. it took the struggles of the journey for me to appreciate where i am today.