chimney

spent the past few days in bullhead city, arizona visiting my mother. considering the various health issues that she is dealing with her energy and vitality came as quite a surprise. without questions she is not as vibrant as she was pre-cancer yet she still manages to kick ass and take names most days.

since the age of seventeen mom has been a smoker. unfiltered camel's her poison of choice. when she was diagnosed with the bone cancer (after a heart attack and two battles with breast cancer) she said she was quitting.

and for the most part she did.

yet the scent of tobacco was like the cloud of dust following pigpen she could never shake it. i knew she was sneaking cigarettes, yet when we discussed it she always swore she was not.

every once in awhile i would almost catch her in the act. we would be out someplace and she would excuse herself. more than once i went looking for her and observed her from a distance sneaking a drag or two. i never walked up to her with a loud gotcha. i figured she was an adult and if a cigaretter here or there helped her to relax where was the harm. it is not as if stopping smoking would have solved the whole terminal cancer problem.

that being said this past may when i was visiting her we were at the casino's and i again saw her sneaking a cigaretter. i felt bad for her, it was as if she was a teenager again hiding her habit from mom and dad.

so i walked up and sat down next to her while she was still taking a drag and she quickly went to hide the smoking butt.

i told her it was okay. i was not going to lecture her. if she needed to smoke, than smoke. she said it was only once in awhile when she was at the casino and that it helped her to relax. we left it at that and the rest of my visit i never saw her smoke another one.

what a difference a few months makes. this past weekend we were once again at the casino's and she has graduated from sneaking one now or than to a virtual human smokestack. i cannot remember the last time i saw her smoke this much. it has been years.

it is a rather odd situation. on one hand i want to grab her and ask her what the hell she is doing that much smoking cannot be good for her. on the other i understand that being in constant pain and dealing with not knowing when the cancer might take another leap maybe just to stressful for her and the cigarettes are what she uses to calm her nerves.

the saddest part is that while we were at the casino's i spent less time with her than usual because my lungs just cannot handle the smoke.......