failure

"can you repeat the question please?" he was speaking to a recruiter from an online university he had once expressed an interest in. life passing changes intent and he was no longer interested. she had begun her sales pitch, lacking the energy to interupt he allowed her to ramble on.

"no problem sir. what i asked was how do you define success?"

success for him was never about the stereotypes you heard everyday.

it was never about the most money. it was never about the newest car. it was never about the biggest house. or the country club. or the private jet. or the yearly cruises with the chad's of the world.

enough money for comfort. a car he could depend on. a home where the family was safe and warm. he never played golf. he hated to fly. and he had never been on a cruise.

his measure of success had always been easily defined. being the best husband, father and friend he could be. if he could not live up to those standards, well than none of the other things really mattered.

later that evening, a particularly stressful evening he sat in the darkness contemplating his standard answer.

with tear filled eyes and a heavy heart he realized the he had condemmed himself to failure with his own words. the material world aside he had failed to achieve the standards he had set for himself.

he was lost.

he was alone.

he had no answers.

his first marriage lasted long enough to produce a son. when the marriage failed so had he. he failed as a husband unable to even avoid divorce as he had once promised himself on a long forgotten dark and stormy night.

after several years of trial and error he failed as a father. he drifted away caught in the rapids of a changing life and though he claimed to have fought the tide he had fought hard enough because over a decade would pass before he saw his boy again.

he swore if he ever married again it would last. he swore if he ever had children again he would be a better father.

he kept his promise for more than a decade. even as the relationship began to unravel he fought to hold it together refusing to surrender.

there were two children involved this time and come hell or highwater he was going to do right by those kids. whatever sacrifice. whatever price. those children were not growing up without a father.

what foolishness. what a joke. promises made before the god's or nothing more than raindrops blown across the ocean by hurrican force winds. they mean nothing. darkness goes where darkness chooses and man foolishly thinks a candle of hope will resist even the most gentle of breezes. a damp finger though makes quick work of any flame.

who was he really protecting: his children from emotional abuse or his ego from another failure label. he could swear it was the former but he was beginning to believe it was the latter.

protection actually entails your presence making a difference, but was he. labels like fat, lazy, stupid, worthless etc were thrown around on a daily basis. screaming was the accepted form of conversation. tears from one or both children was a daily occurance. was his remaining helping his children in any way? honestly he could not see it.

his poor boy swore one night that he had the most wonderful family in the world. between chest aching sobs and tears of pure youthful anguish. it was all his fault no one elses. he was a bad kid. he was a slob. he was fat. he was lazy. someday he was going to weigh four hundred pounds.

each word of anguish was another nail in his personal cross of failure. his boy had been so upset that his sister had come down stairs and whispered in a tear filled voice. i'm scared my brother says he is going to run away.

what a joke he had become. what a failure. he swore he stayed to save a family and instead he had condemned them all.

he sat in the dark and cried.