Lungs in Crisis VI

Day 214 – November 20, 2003: Before this onslaught on my lungs began I was fortunate enough never to have gone through an illness of any seriousness. The mental state necessary to deal with the debilitation of any illness over a long period of time is draining. To the best of my knowledge what I am dealing with is not even life threatening but at times it seems like I have reached the end of my last nerve.

My admiration for people who have spent their entire lives dealing with illness has grown in leaps and bounds over the past seven months. I cannot begin to imagine what that would be like even as I walk a small bit of the same path. If and when I get my own health back I will never ever take it for granted again.

Day 227 – December 3, 2003: Once again I spent the afternoon with my fish friend while waiting for my pulmonologist to see me. It appears that my most recent infection has cleared up and we will attempt to do the broncoscopy on December 17th. Hopefully I will remain in good health between now and than.

Day 234 – December 10, 2003: As my illness as progressed my panic attacks have continued to increase in frequency. Seldom does a day pass without a sudden and paralyzing onslaught of fear and disorientation. Xanex and now Lexapro have helped but nothing has allowed me to go more than a day panic free.

If something good can come out of all this though it was my doctor pushing me to begin seeing a psychologist. I was always resistant in the past. I assumed I would have nothing to talk about. That the time would drag and nothing what so ever would be accomplished. I could not have been more wrong.

My psychologist made me feel right at home from our first visit. She is warm, caring and compassionate. She has aided me in my understanding of panic disorder and its root causes. While in my case we have not been able to identify the initial trigger she has guided me into acceptance of my current state while providing me with hope for the future.

The biggest problem I face in treating my panic disorder is my breathing. One of the best ways to deal with a panic attack is deep breathing, which is near to impossible for me. So we have worked to develop other tools that help work through the attacks as they happen.

Most importantly though talking to her has opened a door into myself that I had never before investigated. I have learned so much about who I am and what makes me tick that I wish I had begun therapy years ago.

Day 239 – December 15, 2003: Cancellation of the procedure has become necessary once again. I woke up this morning with a fever and chest congestion. After visiting my doctor she saw that my throat was red and that I was already developing yellow mucus. I called the pulmonologist and he felt that with the holidays coming up we would need to wait until January. Not much I can do about it they cannot put me under with an infection and a fever so I will just have to wait and see what the new year brings.