Jasper and the Goldfish

My first serious job was working for the real estate loan center of a major bank. I worked in the records department, which housed the real estate loans for the entire state. Basically it was a small library and our customers were other bank employees who only stopped by our little whole in the wall when they needed to borrow a loan file.

We were the stepchildren no one wanted. No budget. Few supplies. My boss did not even qualify for a secretary so I had to teach myself how to type so we could produce timesheets and memos in a somewhat professional manner. In order to make our working conditions bearable we used to make after hour raids to other departments to "borrow" equipment. Unused office chairs, a typewriter, filing cabinets and our biggest "find" a section of new carpet.

However, no matter how much we improved our work area the other units still looked down their collective noses at us. So being nineteen years old and not knowing any better I made it my life's mission to crack the façade our customers insisted on maintaining when they visited our little corner of paradise.

I was always somewhat of a smart ass in those days, for that matter I probably still am. So slowly but surely I began to tweak the nose of the establishment.

I began by posting simple comic strips or jokes on the "For Business Uses Only" bulletin board just inside our office door. Just as soon as some bigwig would remove them I would repost the same ones. This went on for a quite a bit until I wore the person down and they gave up. At that point others began posting items and pretty soon no business could be found on the business only bulletin board.

Next step was introducing Hawaiian shirts to the white shirt black pant aliens who at some point in the past must have taken over the banking world. Normal people do not dress like bankers did at that time. Technically our department had to do a lot of lifting and boxing so we could get away with dressing down. Therefore I began wearing Hawaiian shirts, first at random intervals during the summer. Then as it became more accepted the shirts became my badge of honor and I was rarely seen without one. Now I am not claiming that everyone began dressing down but it became more commonplace to see shirts that were not plain, ordinary, garden-variety white.

The final step in well thought out plan of confusion was to mess with their heads. I began leaving one corner of our counter clear of clutter at all times. If someone began to set something down in that spot I would ask to move his or her files to another location. It took longer than I expected but someone finally asked me why?

I looked at them for a moment like they were nuts and than explained it would not do for their files to knock over my goldfish bowl. The questioner shook their head and walked away. More people began asking and I explained about my two goldfish that I kept on the counter for beautification purposes.

Surprisingly before long people began leaving that space clear of clutter without prompting. Some would even ask me how the goldfish were doing. They were taking baby steps but our customers were beginning to lighten up and realize that banking did not mean you had to leave your sense of humor at home.

Before long I grew bored of the goldfish so I had to change the rules again. One morning I placed a pile of files where the "fish bowl" had been located. Again it took awhile but one of my regulars asked me where I had moved the fish? Doing my best to remain somber I informed them that the janitorial crew, in a horrible accident, had knocked over the goldfish bowl and they had flopped their last before I had come in that morning. All day our customers were asking about the accident and when I would replace the fish. No more fish I would say, they are too hard to protect from random accidents.

About a month later we received some new equipment and a large shipment of loans from another bank. So I reached into my bag of tricks and messed with the masses one more time.

One morning I inquired of one my regulars if they had met Jasper. They told me they had not had the pleasure and asked if he was a new employee. In a sense, he was new, but not an employee. I told them that Jasper was my invisible monkey and I left him in the office after hours so no one would walk off with our new equipment. Again it took a while but pretty soon most everyone was talking about Jasper. If something was moved from its normal location, Jasper did it. If a file was missing he misfiled it. Just to keep the stuffed shirts guessing every once in awhile I would send Jasper on a trip to Africa to visit his relatives.

But alas all good things must come to an end. My immediate supervisor received a promotion and I was moved up into his position. I sent Jasper home to find himself a bride and I had to become a bit more of a conformist than I would have liked. Though I did manage to keep the masses on their toes and my Hawaiian shirts on my back.